Reading the brilliant post Another Brick in the Ivory Wall by Natalie Weaver brought back some old feelings about being an ex-academic who finally let go of the search. While the wound reopened a bit, I can honestly say that I’ve come to a calm peace about walking away from my goal of becoming a professor. This was a messy, emotional process, but through the muck, a lotus emerged within me nurtured by equanimity, humility, peaceful detachment, trust, and surrender. Here’s my story.
When I completed my Ph.D. in Women’s Spirituality in 2015, I was on a MISSION to become a professor and finally become credible in the eyes of the world (or, maybe just my father). From the Bachelors to the Ph.D., I had 15 years of schooling under my belt. Throughout the entire journey, I was told that I would probably never secure a position as a professor in Religious Studies or Women’s Studies for a myriad of reasons (e.g., those topics aren’t relevant anymore, there isn’t any money in academia to fund those fields, they only hire from within, etc.). Of course, the scared parts of me believed them, but nevertheless, I persisted, because truth be told, I was called to study religion, spirituality, gender, god/dess, female-centric philosophies, and diverse ethnic worldviews (everything my degree exposed me to). It wasn’t necessarily a choice to study; I felt called to from a soul level.
In any event, “they” were “right.” Two years later, I’m still not a professor. Nowhere near it. Rejected from every application. Not even a bite. The death of this dream felt like a slow and steady electrocution; each shock dissolving my deepest attachment to what I thought my life needed to look like. Sifting through the debris of embarrassment and shame of having a Ph.D., but ending up an executive assistant at a university.
Yet, somewhere along the way, through prayer, meditation, chanting, offering my will to Divine Will, heart ache, yoga, green smoothies, sun salutations, coffee talks with my soul, cocktail talks with my soul, crying in the shower and car, laughing with the moon, surrendering, trusting, and yielding to Divine Guidance, I crossed some major part of the river of despair. I realized that the Divine has a whole different plan than my ego’s—which is really the only Life I want—and that may never, ever include being a professor.
My intent to be a professor was to provide people with empowering information—to pass along what I have been blessed to learn. Being the All Clever One the Divine is, S/he does use me as a conduit to offer the material—through my channel as a part-time yoga teacher. I teach at two different studios, serving every single soul that walks through the doors with sacred movement and words. I remembered walking into the studio I was recently hired at and big, bright paintings of Ganesha (god of the remover of obstacles) and Lakshmi (goddess of good fortune) were there smiling at me. In that moment, I felt like the last grip on “my career” was released. It was as if my palm was fully open and I exhaled like I never had before. I realized my dharma does not belong to me anymore; it’s in the hands of the gods and goddesses. While I will always take action, the outcome is up to Them. Ganesha and Lakshmi have me handled.
My journey into surrender requires belief in an Intelligent, Loving Power that guides my Life. All the research on religion and spirituality gave me a strong intellectual backbone, but it was becoming an ex-academic that propelled me into living some of those principles we have all read in Religious Studies courses:
Faith and trust in an Omniscient Being; dukkha is part of the human experience and releasing the need to control eases that suffering; my atman, who is a part of Brahman, is eternal and will survive whatever she endures in this lifetime; Life has Her own timing, like moon cycles; no matter how much we want to regulate the direction of the Tao, S/he will flow on Yin and Yang terms—sometimes Life is passive (patient and receptive), and other times, Life is active (ready to bloom).
These are no longer concepts; they are living realities inside of me, but arriving to this place was (and continues to be) an intricate journey (that won’t end until my last breath). Although I may never make it into the ivory tower, I believe part of my purpose on this earth is to share information that empowers, heals, and uplifts. I cannot wait for academia to give me permission to do that. If we feel compelled to share ideas that could serve any population, we must find the courage to do that on our own terms. We host workshops in our living rooms, in yoga studios, in parks, in bookstores; we write blogs; we ask to be guest lecturers; we start podcasts or ask to be on one; we self-publish; we manage our time and money to do these things. We find a different way even if it makes our comfort zones cringe.
We also need to pay bills and our student loans, so we are willing to take day jobs. I’m an executive assistant with a Ph.D. I literally order coffee for meetings. But who’s to say that’s not exactly where I’m supposed to be learning lessons in deflating my egoic sense of self-importance? People need coffee for meetings, and I’m happy to help while getting paid for it, and doing the actions I feel called to take to live my purpose.
I whole-heartedly agree with Natalie that we need to be honest to those seeking graduate degrees. In the name of right action, that is only fair. We can tell them about the inequities of higher education hiring. But, if they are still willing, then we can remind them that a little detachment, creativity, and trust go a long way on this journey.
Vanessa Soriano, Ph.D., is a yoga teacher (with an 8-5 job) who completed her Ph.D. in Religion and Philosophy with an emphasis in Women’s Spirituality at the California Institute of Integral Studies. After enduring some traumatic events, she was inspired to study religion and spirituality from every angle possible. Somewhere along that journey, she encountered the feminine face of the Divine and fell madly in love with the Goddess. When the Divine became a woman for Vanessa, she could feel empowerment and healing in a way that was not accessible when the Divine was portrayed in strictly male terms.
feminismandreligion.com 
More power to you, my lovely former student, and now friend and companion on the pilgrimage of life!
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Thank you, wonderful Carol. You are such an inspiration to me :)
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This post speaks to my condition! Thank you!
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You’re welcome :) I’m looking forward to reading your post!!
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I wish you all the best!
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Mahalo :)
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This is wonderful, Vanessa! You are living what you learned and teaching by life and example. Go with the flow of your heart and enjoy the journey.
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Agree with Barbara Cooper’s insight here: always a good guide…simply go with the flow of our heart, and enjoy the journey.
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Thank you, Barbara. I appreciate your words and good heart to heart vibes!
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Thank you for sharing. I can relate 100%. So often I had visions of what my service would look like, but SHE had a different idea in mind. Now I go with Her flow, (or try to) whether passive or active, and I too learned sometimes we have to “marinate” for awhile as we wait for the timing and circumstances to possibly shift. Blessings to you.
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Ahhh, thank you, Karen! I value your words of wisdom here!
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Reading about your experience in academia brought me back to my own.
It is so important for women to know about these limitations and to adjust to what is.
Armed with a bunch of degrees after a late start I began teaching Women’s Studies at a couple of universities. Of course I never received tenure ( too old/ and subject no longer relevant) and continued to live below the poverty line while teaching my students through my own experience about the limitations of degrees… and how parenting children by leaving the workplace would result in almost certain old age poverty if one was divorced as I was…
I continue to write and that has been my salvation…
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What you’ve been through sounds challenging, and I’m sure somewhere down and through the spiral, it makes you a powerful writer and resilient soul. Blessings.
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Thank you!
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I’m with you, Vanessa! I was an adjunct professor, and quit when I began to do all those things you suggest for those of us who believe that “part of our purpose on this earth is to share information that empowers, heals, and uplifts,” something that I could only do intellectually within academia (“We host workshops in our living rooms, in yoga studios, in parks, in bookstores; we write blogs; we ask to be guest lecturers; we start podcasts or ask to be on one; we self-publish.”). It’s a hard path, but for me it’s been gratifying. Good luck on your journey.
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Good luck on your journey, Nancy. May Goddess Lakshmi bless your path.
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Enjoyed your vocabulary here, Vanessa, including Brahman, Tao, Ganesha, the lotus within you, Lakshmi, yoga, goddess, etc., and thus gently touching base with so many spiritual journeys.
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Thank you, Sarah. Welcome to my inner spiritual world. It’s comprised of many different paths ;)
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I wonder if having a Latina name effected your ability to get into the Academia good old white boys club? Did you consider racism had anything to do with your not being given a chance?
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To be honest, I never considered that option given the fields I would want to teach in (Women’s Studies and/or Religious Studies). I always thought diverse voices would be welcomed in those fields, but you bring up a great point. Thank you for revealing another possible piece to the puzzle.
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It isn’t called an “Ivory” wall for nothing, lol. You would hope yours would be a welcomed voice, but unfortunately we know now that white supremacy even sub-conscious is alive and well. Often, it’s not what you know , it who you know to get a job, and they only know other whites… thankfully you have the spiritual grounding, since the psychic damage is hard to repair. You best acknowledge it to heal from it.
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Thank you so much for this. I have a doctorate in Veterinary Medicine and went to graduate school immediately afterwards. I had dreams of being academia or some big company curing cancer, but not of that came to fruition, a combination of an imploded economy and not so great grad school experience. I have done so many other jobs, and I am also a very spiritual person (Reiki, crystals, a student of yoga at this point) as you appear to be. I am also a woman of color.
I actually would like to get back into academia, possibly teaching English Language Learners or as a student advisor, and I am doing things to work towards teaching ELL, but I ultimately realize that I have little to no control of what awaits me. Thank you again and Namaste.
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You’re welcome, Kris. You will be guided and the right opportunities will unfold at the right time. I recommend reading the book, Outrageous Openness: Letting the Divine Take the Lead by Tosha Silver. That helps the soul a looooootttt.
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I can relate to this being in exactly the same boat. However, I always knew that getting this degree – I have the same as yours – was, like you said a calling and that we would have to swathe a new path in the overgrown path of our ancestors. I think we were called by them to bring into consciousness all that you described. Blessings and gratitude!
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I looooove the idea that we were called by our ancestors to bring it into consciousness. Wow! Thank you! Blessings and gratitude to you!!
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Heart touching and honest piece of writing, have been on a somewhat similar pathknow what it feels like. Also know how serene and peaceful you feel inside when you are able to let go of these aspirations and finally able to identify the anterior purpose that we r destined to serve perhaps.
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Thank you for this piece! Long ago I was in the process of planning my own Ivory Tower path of formal Spirituality when into my flat little head drifted the soundless words “A Tower is an enclosure far above the touch of Earth, and Ivory is made of other people’s teeth”
And that was the end of that.
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Wow – that is beautifully poetic. Lovely.
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