Yesterday at the Mid-Summer Turning I took a woodland walk in warm summer rain and then spent a quiet day at home. I visited with a few tadpoles and green frogs that inhabit my vernal pool, sat on the bridge and listened to the flow of water over stone at a woodland waterfall, a place so dear to my heart. I also spent quiet time reflecting…
For too long I have been a woman in waiting… waiting for diagnoses for myself and my dog, waiting for direction – I need to make a decision about where I am supposed to live – waiting for intuitive nudges, waiting for calls from loved ones that don’t come, waiting for this dark cloud to lift, praying for the power of the spirit and body of the earth to fill this empty vessel that has become who I am.
Negative feelings overwhelm me. The political has become personal. That I am in spiritual crisis is a given.
Too much waiting. Too much time spent in a collective future that appears too dark, too hopeless, too frightening, a future that seems to mirror my own life struggle. I do not sleep at night. I fight to inhabit my body because fear keeps me walking on air, obliterating my ability to experience somatized peace in any form.
I am allowing the “dark man” (he has both male and female “virtual” aspects) of the collective/psyche to rule… S/he walks on air and has no substance – no body.
Yesterday’s meander through my woodland paths (following in the footsteps of the bears), sitting by the water, clearing brush, smelling the sweet scent of pine, taking deep pleasure in the fact that enough rain has fallen to keep grasses, ferns and mosses deep green soothed me. I noted that acorns and beechnuts abound for the bears, graceful chokecherry sprays, grapevines, apples and crabapple branches are heavy with fruit. I really listened to the poignant songs of chickadees and mourning doves feeling deep pleasure. All these simple acts and occurrences earthed me…. I experienced deep summer as a gift.
I was grateful to be grateful.
I also re-membered… Embodying Nature as a “Lady in Waiting” I could give thanks for the first seed-pods, the abundance of fruits, herbs and flowers, the gifts of the harvest to come. I spent the day in the present and experienced deep abiding peace. Grace.
A troubling conversation ended the day catapulting me back into the dismal future, resurrecting despair, negative thinking, hopelessness – once again I found myself living in a place I can no longer afford to inhabit for my own sanity…
Disturbed sleep did not obliterate the dream I had.
I am with Hope my little Chihuahua who is also my long dead dog Rinkie (who has since her death always acted as a Voice from the Beyond.) I watch Hope as she runs down towards an underground chamber or tunnel dug into the earth below ground level. I call out to her but she is disappearing into the tunnel and I am awash in fear…
Death is stalking me.
I don’t want to remember the dream but when I re –read my mid summer ritual this morning I see the words I have written: I am praying for the power of the spirit and body of the earth to fill this empty vessel I have become.
Perhaps my dogs are the guides I need.
** Picture is of a fragment of my woodland path – the bears walk in their own footsteps creating an impossibly narrow path in the middle.
Sara is a naturalist, ethologist ( a person who studies animals in their natural habitats) (former) Jungian Pattern Analyst, and a writer. She publishes her work regularly in a number of different venues and is presently living in Northern New Mexico.
feminismandreligion.com 
The kind of thoughts in my mind, although in different perspective
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I’d like to know yours…
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I’m waiting for my chronic sickness to get past me. I don’t even know it’s ending, I can’t say…..And I want my children to feel safe in my arms. I wanted to do something good for God, if he permits, for my family as well….. a day ago I had seizure…..so, fingers crossed!
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Oh chronic illness – I am familiar with this issue on a personal level. It is so hard when there is no endpoint in sight. My heart goes out to you. But I must say that no doubt your presence is all your children need… our worlds shrink so with illness – I do wish you the very very best.
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Thank you. My hope needs rebooting many times. Around the suffering, I wrote a book called ‘Unconsumed; In His Abiding Grace,’ which is available on Amazon. Yet it’s so hard, sometimes! And, God seems so far away!
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Oh, I do know – sometimes bereft is what we must endure
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“praying for the power of the spirit and body of the earth to fill this empty vessel that has become who I am.”
I so relate to that prayer, Sarah.
I love the image of you walking in the footprints of the bears, your dog and spirit dog offering themselves as guides.
I wish you the gift of a good sleep and sweet dreams.
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Thank you so much Elizabeth – and yes, I like these images too…
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Sarah, when my mother was dying of cancer, she said that on her worst days she baked cookies for someone “worse off than me.” I think there is wisdom there, fill you empty vessel by doing something, anything, there is much to be done, for others on a regular basis.
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Yes, Carol I agree… I am continually advocating for animals especially bears (who are much worse off than humans are – none have a voice) and writing writing writing publishing weekly nature articles hoping to invite others in. People not so much. In my way of thinking we need advocacy for the planet – I do all this enduring despair. Thanks for caring. I think I have given up on people, but not the Earth. I wish I felt differently…
Thank you ever so much for caring.
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People are not bad. Some are. Writing is important but it is also important to connect with other people who care as you do. Volunteer in a soup line or at an animal shelter or join an Indivisible group or any other group advocating and doing something about something you care about. We all need community. Don’t give up, you need the support of other people, we all do.
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Yes, I do know that people are not bad – I am one… In Abiquiu I do have a community – when I return to Maine I do not – this is why I am spending winters in New Mexico. Unfortunately, I was recently diagnosed with emphysema which is much worse for me in New Mexico – so now there’s another problem. Thanks Carol, all around this has been a tough time – I appreciate your caring.
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If death is stalking you perhaps turn around and face it head-on and speak to death of your fears, your loves, your renewal, your emptiness, your passions. Yelling and crying is not only acceptable but is expected.
“I am praying for the power of the spirit and body of the earth to fill this empty vessel I have become.” I am adding my prayers to your own.
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Thank you for your support – at present my fear is focused on a beloved dog who has become ill. I simply can’t NOT face it. I have lost two other dogs to this disease. I need to move into a kind of acceptance that seems impossible just now.
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So sorry to hear Sara, Gotta love those dogs. We are a dog family. My German Shepherd is quickly aging and it hurts my heart to see her struggle up stairs or move gingerly where she used to bound and run. Two of my kid’s families are cat families. I know the love of our furry, four legged companions. Same disease for three dogs? How horrifying.
I will continue to send you prayers that your love will be filled and that when you feel at your emptiness you will find treasures there you didn’t know you had.
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How very very kind,thank you.
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I appreciate and love your writing today. I feel it completely. I think acknowledging these feelings help, and I hope it has given you comfort to release them to us. I also think it gives us clarity for the direction we want to move next. We have to have these moments in order to rise up to our highest potential. You aren’t alone; I hope you know that. In loving kindness, Diana
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yes, I do know that I am not the only woman that feels this way. Thank you!
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