Tag: adoption

A Family Resurrected by Gina Messina

IMG_0159Today, Good Friday, marks the seventh anniversary of one of the most significant dates in my life – the adoption of my daughter, Sarah.  On Easter Sunday, 2012 I wrote about the resurrection of my family.

Much has changed since the government acknowledged that Sarah is my child – something I knew from the moment we saw each other. My seventeen year marriage ended, I lost significant persons in my life to death — and to the 2016 presidential election, and my career has had many ups and downs. While many of us think of our lives as a path to resurrection, what I have come to understand in being a mother, is that resurrection is not a once and for all thing. Every day, I find salvation in the moments I experience with Sarah. I recognize the ways my loved ones are resurrected in me. And I have found new appreciation for the joys life brings, even when they seem few amongst the ways we experience suffering and loss.

In the years that I have been blogging, this is by far my favorite post and I have been so grateful for the many wonderful responses I have received from it.  It seems an appropriate time to revisit this incredible experience and once again, give thanks for the experience of salvation in my life, and proclaim the miracle of my family.

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As I had written about in a previous post, my ex-husband and I had a very long struggle with infertility.  After nine years, multiple failed rounds of infertility treatments, and much heartache, we decided to look at alternative options to grow our family.  Once we had made the decision to adopt, I felt new hope.  There was a light at the end of the tunnel and I knew a child would be coming home to us before long.  I had a dream that Mary, the mother of Jesus, had come to me and told me that I would be a mother.  She promised that a child was waiting that needed and wanted mg love and would arrive soon.  I began praying to a shrine of Mary at a local parish near my home; she became my source of strength and solace.

Not long after being approved for the adoption waiting list, I embarked on a trip to Italy with my family to visit my father’s hometown and meet our relatives.  It was quite an adventure and during our excursion I stopped in every church I passed to say a prayer to Mary.  Half way through the trip I received a call that a child was matched with me.  To say I was overjoyed would be a complete understatement.  I tried to catch an earlier flight home but was unable.  A once in a lifetime trip was suddenly of no interest as I sat around my hotel room looking at baby items, reading parenting info, and preparing for the homecoming of my daughter.  

Mommy and Baby S meet for the first time.
Mommy and Sarah meet for the first time.

I met my daughter – Baby S – for the first time in January, 2011.  She was 20 months old and from the moment I saw her, I knew we were destined to be together.  I had been terrified on our way to meet her wondering what she would be like.  Would she like me? Love me?  Would she accept me as her mother?  When I entered her foster home and came around the corner, we locked eyes as she ran toward me giggling; I picked her up and we embraced and I instantly fell in love.  She was the child Mary had promised me.

After my daughter had been home for about a month, I was notified that there was a problem with her adoption.  A biological relative had hired an attorney and was seeking custody.  It was an incredible shock; I was frightened and found that I had no rights in the process because I was considered a foster parent until the adoption was finalized.  After three months of having my daughter home a court ruled that she had been placed with me in error.  Baby S was taken from my custody and my world crashed around me.

The grief I felt was unbearable and I questioned what kind of God would be so cruel.  My family was lost, as was my dream of being a parent.  I had given up on motherhood; after losing Baby S I could not imagine bringing another child into my home.

Five months passed when I received the unexpected and unbelievable call from the adoption worker that the relative was no longer able to care for Baby S; she had asked that Baby S be returned to my care.  It was a miracle, my daughter was coming home to me.

From the time I received the call until Baby S came home, nearly three weeks had passed.  Again, I was worried about seeing her for the first time.  How difficult would it be for her to move again?  What had her life been like for five months?  Would she accept me as her mother?  When she finally arrived Baby S walked into our home and into my arms.  Our connection had never faded.  She was my daughter.  Mary had known it, and at that moment, I knew it.

 

Baby S has been home for a little over six months now.  She has changed my life in so many ways and every day I wake up thankful to be her mom.  While the grief I had (and Sarah too) endured was unspeakable, the end result was worthy.  I have come to know Baby S’s biological family well.  They are wonderful people and together we all share a deep love for Baby S and want what is best for her.  We will have an open adoption, a true gift in so many ways.  Had we not gone through this entire ordeal, we would have never come to know her biological relatives.  I believe Baby S’s life will be better for it, as will ours.

I had been unable to share our wonderful news previously because our adoption was pending.  However, on Good Friday we entered a courtroom with Baby S and her adoption was finalized.  I wept as the judge who had removed Baby S from my custody a year ago stated that it was clear she belonged with me.  It was the moment I had been waiting for; although Mary told me Baby S was destined to be my child, although I have known she is my daughter for sometime, the legal system has finally recognized this as well.  So here, on this Easter Sunday, I am writing to tell you our family has been resurrected.

Gina Messina, Ph.D. is an American feminist scholar, Catholic theologian, activist, and mom. She serves as Associate Professor of Religious Studies at Ursuline College and is co-founder of FeminismAndReligion.com. She has written for the Huffington Post and is author or editor of five books including Jesus in the White House: Make Humanity Great Again and Women Religion Revolution. Messina is a widely sought after speaker and has presented across the US at universities, organizations, conferences and on national platforms including appearances on MSNBC, Tavis Smiley, NPR and the TEDx stage. She has also spoken at the Commission on the Status of Women at the United Nations to discuss matters impacting the lives of women around the globe. Messina is active in movements to end violence against women and explores opportunities for peace building and spiritual healing. Connect with her on Twitter @GMessinaPhD, Instagram: @GinaMessinaPhD, Facebook, and her website ginamessina.com.

A Family Conceived, Lost, and Resurrected by Gina Messina-Dysert

Gina and SarahGood Friday marks the second anniversary of one of the most significant dates in my life – the adoption of my daughter, Baby S – who by the way is no longer a baby (she will be turning 5 this May).  On Easter Sunday, 2012 I wrote about the resurrection of my family.  In the last few years that I have been blogging, this is by far my favorite post and I have been so grateful for the many wonderful responses I have received from it.  With today being Good Friday, it seems an appropriate time to revisit this incredible experience and once again, give thanks for the blessings in my life.  Continue reading “A Family Conceived, Lost, and Resurrected by Gina Messina-Dysert”

Protecting our Families: How the U.S. Falls Short in Protecting New Mothers (and Fathers) by Michele Stopera Freyhauf

Freyhauf, Feminism, Religion, Durham, Old Testament, Blogger, Bible, Gender, Violence, Ursuline, John CarrollLast weekend, I had the privilege of speaking at the National Convention for American Mothers, Inc. about motherhood in the 21st Century.  Because this is such a vital issue for mothers that live in the U.S. (since a large majority of families have two full-time wage earners), I thought it would be appropriate to share my speech here.  With the understanding that this a forum for feminism, I believe that this topic fits this forum because it continues to show how unequal the treatment is between the sexes – whether it is pay, position in employment, healthcare, education, or simply balancing the responsibilities of family/career.  For those that live in the United States, there is often a sense of exceptionalism, and as I clearly demonstrate in this speech, we are certainly a far cry from being role models that when it comes to protecting mothers (whether by birth or adoption) and families.

As a side note:  One topic that was not explored, due to lack of data, is how maternity/paternity leave impacts same sex couples who become new parents – I have to believe that this is a topic to also examine (and I am would encourage any feedback here).  

Recently the United States ranked 25 out of 165 countries for being the best place to live if you are a mother.  This number is up from 31 a year ago and places us between Belarus and the Czech Republic.

You may be asking yourself, Why isn’t the United States in the top five or even in the top ten? The answer to that question becomes evident once we examine how that determination is made. The categories examined are:

  • Mother’s education;
  • Child’s Health;
  • Economic status;
  • The Election of women to government office;
  • Breast feeding programs.  In the United States 75% of mothers breastfeed their babies, 35% continue to breastfeed after six weeks. The number shrinks because mothers usually return to work and find it difficult to to pump at the office;
  • Maternal death rate is another factor, which stunned me when I found out that the US has the highest maternal death rate of any industrialized nation. Approximately 1 in 2,100 women are at risk of dying during child birth;
  • Infant death rates is another category.  Infant deaths are estimated to be 8 per 1000 births – a number that throws us behind 40 other countries;

Having it All or Embracing What We Have? by Gina Messina-Dysert

Like thousands of other mothers, I found myself consumed by Anne-Marie Slaughter’s  13,000 word cover story, “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All” for the July/August edition of The Atlantic.  As a new mom with a Ph.D. and growing career, I have wondered if I can truly “have it all” or if something will eventually have to give in my overloaded schedule.  It has been exhausting and near impossible to keep up with my “normal” workload while being a parent and I have constantly been concerned about my daughter getting all she needs from me (and me getting all I need from my daughter!).

I had a long struggle to becoming a mother.  After ten years, multiple infertility treatments, many prayers, and even more tears, me and my husband decided to adopt.  We’ve been so fortunate to be blessed with our darling daughter, but becoming a mother has been nothing of what I expected.  I had fantasized about motherhood, imagined it as my true destiny, a spiritual path, the role God intended me to have.  Now that I am a mother, I find myself constantly falling short.  The laundry is never done, take out for dinner happens far too often, and some days I forget to pack my daughter’s lunch.  I’m late to work, I miss deadlines, I don’t return phone calls or emails, and I wonder if it is possible to get back to being organized and on top of life the way I was before.     Continue reading “Having it All or Embracing What We Have? by Gina Messina-Dysert”

A Family Conceived, Lost, and Resurrected by Gina Messina-Dysert

As I had written about in a previous post, my husband and I had a very long struggle with infertility.  After nine years, multiple failed rounds of infertility treatments, and much heartache, we decided to look at alternative options to grow our family.  Once we had made the decision to adopt, I felt new hope.  There was a light at the end of the tunnel and I knew a child would be coming home to us before long.  I had a dream that Mary, the mother of Jesus, had come to me and told me that I would be a mother.  She promised that a child was waiting that needed our love and would arrive soon.  I began praying to a shrine of Mary at a local parish near my home; she became my source of strength and solace.

Not long after we had been approved for the adoption waiting list, we took a family trip to Italy to visit my father’s hometown and meet our relatives.  It was quite an adventure and during our excursion I stopped in every church we passed to say a prayer to Mary.  Half way through the trip we received a call that a child had been matched with us.  To say we were overjoyed would be a complete understatement.  We tried to catch an earlier flight home but were unable.  A once in a lifetime trip to Italy was suddenly of no interest to us as we sat around our hotel room looking at baby items, reading parenting info, and preparing for the homecoming of our first child.   Continue reading “A Family Conceived, Lost, and Resurrected by Gina Messina-Dysert”

The Barren Woman Bible By Monica A. Coleman

As I mourn the loss of my miscarried babies, it’s easy to see that the Bible’s stories of barren women were written by men.

I know that men wrote the Bible. That’s no surprise to anyone who has had a brush with feminism or biblical scholarship. But there are times when one is more aware of this than at other times. As I mourn the loss of my miscarried babies, I think of how the Bible tells the stories of barren women.

When I read about Sarai, Leah, Rachel, Hannah and Elizabeth, the story is always the same. The woman cannot have children.

Like a choose-your-own-adventure novel, the story goes like this:

Option A: You give your husband your maidservant, who then gives him a male child or two or three, and then, later, God opens your womb so you can bear a male child yourself.

Option B: You pray to God about how much you want children, and then, later, God opens you womb so you can bear a male child yourself. Continue reading “The Barren Woman Bible By Monica A. Coleman”

“Now Sarah, Abraham’s wife, bore him no children”: On Experiencing Infertility By Gina Messina-Dysert

Gen 16: 1 reads “Now Sarah, Abraham’s wife, bore him no children.” The simplicity of this statement fails to communicate the complicated and devastating situation Sarah faced. The woman who became the matriarch of the Judeo-Christian tradition was barren, unable to fulfill the one duty that gave her worth within her community.  While women were already devalued by society, the social status of a woman struggling with infertility was even further diminished.

Sarah is a woman I have come to identify with. I share her plight of infertility and feel a hopelessness that can only be fully understood by women in a similar situation. Like Sarah I have been desperate to become a mother and although it is the 21st century, as a woman I have felt pressure to do so. Feelings of inadequacy and lack of worth have been overwhelming at times as family members and friend have felt it necessary to not only acknowledge my struggle but also offer commentary on what exactly they think is wrong with me. Continue reading ““Now Sarah, Abraham’s wife, bore him no children”: On Experiencing Infertility By Gina Messina-Dysert”