No One Is Safe from the Parodist (Part 1) by Barbara Ardinger


Now, with only a minimum purchase, you can save your loved ones—your friends—your neighbors—your business associates—from eternities of suffering and torment. Our new Multi-Level Marketing company guarantees Eternal Salvation for you and your entire downline.

Some days, it’s just not safe to let me watch MSNBC. I think politics is both scary and fun, and the current field of Republican candidates is majorly scary. Well, I did vote Republican once. This was in 1976, when I’d just finished my Ph.D. at Southern Illinois University atCarbondale. I voted for Jim Thompson, one of the governors ofIllinoiswho did not go to jail. But I digress. I’ve decided to help the current Republicans with their advertising. I reached into my three-ring binder again for another souvenir of my days writing for multi-level marketing and found an early version of this ad. Religious issues and identities seem to playing a big part in the campaigns. In November, be sure to vote for the candidate of your choice. 

Business Opportunities: What Price Salvation?

At last! The opportunity of a lifetime! Of more than one lifetime! Now, with only a minimum purchase, you can save your loved ones—your friends—your neighbors—your business associates—from eternities of suffering and torment. Our new Multi-Level Marketing company guarantees Eternal Salvation for you and your entire downline.

Sounds too good to be true? Read on, friend. Here’s your opportunity to make a difference in the world. Find guaranteed atonement for your sins, past, present, and future.

Just look around. What do you see? Sin. Greed. Corruption. Depravity. Contraception. Modern family values. Look in the mirror. Would you dare to cast the first stone?

Are you proud of who you are? Do you ever have lustful thoughts? Do you use birth control? Is money ruling your life? Do people ever call you a lazy bum? Are you out of control around members of the same sex? Do you think women belong on the bottom? What on earth is this world coming to? What can we do about the miserable state of the modern world?

We’re all familiar with the price for sinful living—eternal torment. Eternal purgatory. Hell. No hope of being born again. Do you want the hands of an angry god to drop you? Do you want to be safe from liberals and socialists and demons? Do you want to save your loved ones? Your friends and neighbors?

WE HAVE FOUND THE ANSWER to these and all unasked questions! Salvation is now at hand! Salvation is now available to all. Through the miraculous energy of Multi-Level Marketing, we can offer it to you at a lower price than you’ll find on any website! And wait! There’s more! You can offer this golden opportunity to your loved ones and friends. You can create a nine-level downline and turn it into a nine-level upline. You can ascend into the heavenly hierarchies at the top of the great mountain of being. But wait! There’s still more! You can receive up to eleven percent for everyone you recruit to redemption! You can ultimately earn up to $33,000 for saving souls!

Does this sound tempting enough? What company, you ask, dares to offer such an incredible marketing plan? What is this modern marketing miracle?

INDULGENCES, L.L.P.

Friend, here’s the plan. We’re all human. We were born depraved, but some of us are elected. Now FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 500 YEARS, thanks to the amazing grace and remarkable purchasing power of Multi-Level Marketing, INDULGENCES, L.L.P. can help you buy your way out of purgatory and hell.

But wait! There’s still more! You can create a downline to rescue the unborn and relieve whole neighborhoods, towns, entire cities, the whole nation—yes, you can redeem the world through Multi-Level Marketing!

Are you ready for sanctimony? For the small investment of $7, you get into our Salvation Computer. You receive your Sales Kit. And you receive your own personal indulgence (good for seven days).

Just think—Seven Days Free Of Sin, to be used now or saved for when you really need it. And your minimum investment is a mere $7. If you act now, we will even send you Two Indulgences For The Price Of One. And if you act now—for the bargain rate of only $22, you can buy a full month of freedom from eternal torment. (These prices also apply to your entire downline.) Don’t wait! Be the first on your block to invest!

Use the wonder-working power of Multi-Level Marketing to save yourself and the world from eternal torment (or at least until the next election). Are you ready to make a really meaningful investment in your future? Get out your iPhone now! Call now for your salvation kit! Dial 1-800-INDULGENCE. Or find us online at www.sancta_rerum.com. You can also find us on Facebook at facebook.com/profile.sancta_rerum?id=123456789. Tweet to us at #sancta_rerum. If you’re old-fashioned, you can even write to us. Send your letter to President Leo X. de Medici,PO Box 1517,Wittenberg,D.C.

This offer good untilNovember 6, 2012.

Barbara Ardinger, Ph.D. (www.barbaraardinger.com), is a published author and freelance editor. Her newest book is Secret Lives, a novel about grandmothers who do magic.  Her earlier nonfiction books include the daybook Pagan Every Day, Finding New Goddesses (a pun-filled parody of goddess encyclopedias), and Goddess Meditations.  When she can get away from the computer, she goes to the theater as often as possible—she loves musical theater and movies in which people sing and dance. She is also an active CERT (Community Emergency Rescue Team) volunteer and a member (and occasional secretary pro-tem) of a neighborhood organization that focuses on code enforcement and safety for citizens. She has been an AIDS emotional support volunteer and a literacy volunteer. She is an active member of the neopagan community and is well known for the rituals she creates and leads.



Categories: Christianity, Humor, Politics

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

11 replies

  1. NOTE TO ANYONE WHO READS THESE PARODIES. Don’t even try to click on the links. They’re part of the satire. They’re phony. I made them all up.

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  2. oopps too late… i tried to click the links :-) I think I’d like to sell indulgences to right wing christian men… a specialty market I’m developing…. do you have a kit for that? :-)

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    • My guess is that most of the right-wingers have no idea of the history of the church. But I bet they’d love the concept of indulgences. Then they could–like the medieval popes and bishops–be as hypocritical as they want to and still have that pass into heaven. You have my Official Permission to develop a kit. Let me know how it goes!

      And wait till you see Dr. Mittens’s Whoopee Pack, which is coming up.

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  3. You crack me up Barbara – this is hilarious! As I got to the end and the momentum kept building, it just got funnier and funnier :) Thanks for bringing humor to the revolution!

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  4. Many thanks! We gotta laugh at some things in the world today. If we didn’t laugh, we’d be pulling our hair out and sinking into cynicism and despair. Wait till you see the next three political parodies!

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  5. Whoa… crack up yet again. Just hours ago, I was quoting a favorite nursery rhyme “the three little kittens lost their mittons and they began to cry…” Mitt… has real satiric potential…. so howling away LOL at Dr. Mittens…. arrow flies, bull’s eye hit, now where the heck is the baseball mit? :-)

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  6. Wow, Barbara! This is fantastic. I’ve been waiting for your first parody to post and I cannot wait for the next three to go up. :)

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  7. My favorite part is the 7 days of free sin – and I love that you included the fake links! So creative, funny, and to the point! Also, I wanted to mention that I read an article about two years ago that a church in NY was selling indulgences – I was so shocked and posted on my FB and was even more shocked to find that many of my “FB friends” supported the idea!

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  8. Thanks, Gina. Dr. Mittens’s Whoopee Pack will also be a fake infomercial. Re. indulgences, they were good business in the medieval church. For a long time. Maybe it’s an idea whose time has come around again??

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  9. Rescuing the unborn… hmmm… sounds familiar, as if someone who is running for president believes that is not only possible, but a piece of truth.

    Hilarious!

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  10. Many thanks. I guess it’s pretty obvious that I think Santorum is nuts.

    Like

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