April 2021, Poem
Visibility is
this body opening against itself over and over… an existence moving through fibers was
the one thing I had. When was the time…breathe in? Breathe out.
My existence to myself was the most political act. You can’t erase me. I exist for myself.
I am thirteen. I stand next to my father and say, “Don’t you touch me. Don’t you ever touch me again.” My mother stands by the sink, her hand reaches out and clutches its edge. My father sits and looks up
at me. He opens his mouth and closes it. I turn away, expecting his hand to land across my back.
I imagine me falling. But that doesn’t happen. Not that day.
That day I stood up. Said no, turned my back and walked away. I am a political act.
I am a body with a voice and I heard myself speaking for myself when no one else would, I said no.
No is the most beautiful word in the English language for a woman who learns its power.
The spell of no. I cast it when I was thirteen.
The gaze is
when they saw me. I started to erase myself, I was without fingers first. They kept finding me, so
I erased my hands. They kept seeing me, so I erased my arms. They kept locating me, so I erased my feet and my legs. But they kept finding me. I erased my secret places between my legs—what they most wanted. I erased my belly so I wouldn’t be seen eating, and my breasts so I would not be noticed as
a girl. But they found me anyway. I erased my neck and my head disappeared.
All that was left was my shoulders. I felt the weight of their gaze, and everything they wanted and took. And so, I lifted my shoulders, and I found my wings.
And I flew, and in flight, I let all of my parts come home.
A woman flying was the one thing they never thought to look for. But I found her. And she was me.
Continue reading “How I Learned to Grow Wings by Marie Cartier”