Some Lessons We Learn the Hard Way by Gina Messina


I’ve written some very personal things in my most recent posts sharing that I am working towards a rebirth. The terrain has been rough and I keep waiting for a smooth path to appear on the horizon; but it isn’t quite visible yet. There are many factors: single parenting, career, the mid-life crisis, menopause…NOT the musical (peri-menopause really, but you know what I mean). It’s like going through puberty all over again with bad skin, mood swings, insecurities abound; but a thousand times worse and with hot flashes, rage, and memory loss. I imagine some of you nodding your heads and laughing as you read this…or maybe crying depending on which way your mood is swinging. I’m learning to embrace Evelyn’s alter ego “Towanda” in Fried Green Tomatoes.

When we are struggling, it is easy to sink into despair and disconnect from the love that surrounds us. I often find myself overwhelmed with day to day life: prepping for classes, grading, packing lunches, helping with homework, getting dinner on the table, laundry, dishes, paying bills, etc. As women, we are supposed to be nurturers balancing it all while taking care of everyone around us. We are told this is our “god-given” role and that pressure can be crushing. I often wonder, who is going to take care of me?

Sometimes making a simple phone call or sending a text message feels like more than I can bear. I can’t make myself do it. I get stuck in the never ending cycle of the daily grind and I think I’ll get to the phone call, text message, or email tomorrow. And then, I blink and a month has passed.

As I write this, I am grieving a great loss for our family. My dear Uncle Ralph, who I wrote about in a previous post, has made his journey to the spiritual realm. I last saw him a little over a month ago when my daughter Sarah and I baked him a cheesecake – a favorite family recipe that invoked the presence of the some of the women we’ve lost – my mother, grandmother, our Great Aunt Dee Dee (who the recipe originated with). When we left I promised to send a link with some articles, a recipe, and Sarah and I had planned to head back for another visit with a batch of cupcakes. I thought about it every day. And I put it off in favor of the daily grind, the aggravation, the despair, the hot flash, or “adulting.”

Sarah talked about Uncle Ralph often asking when we would go back and expressed her fear of not seeing him again. And then this morning, I heard the news. It sunk in my gut like a brick. And I thought about this song, “Some Lessons We Learn the Hard Way” where Melody Gardot laments:

Life goes away in a flash

Right before your eyes

If I think real hard well I reckon I’ve had some real good times

Well why do the hands of time

So easily unwind

Some lessons we learn the hard way

Some lessons don’t come easy

That’s the price we have to pay

During my last conversation with my uncle, he said he was so grateful for a second chance; entering hospice gave him the opportunity to recognize what is really important in life and all that he often lost sight of because of the daily grind — love. He knew that God was with him and he recognized the beauty of life as a divine gift.

Uncle Ralph said it was as if he was having a living wake. Everyday people came to visit him; they shared stories and laughs, and he was reminded of how many people loved him. Now, he focused on spending every last moment deeply engaged in relationship. Uncle Ralph, Aunt Mary, their children Colleen and Tim, and grandson Jacoby spent their days sitting together appreciating the family they had grown into. Some might say they were wasting time; but really they came to understand the greatest lesson of our lives. It is those precious moments that we share with one another that matter. God is present in those moments. We experience the divine in relationship. My dear uncle has given me such a gift in this lesson.

Tonight, as I am writing, strangely a notification from Uber Eats popped up on my phone. It said I had a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts in my cart ready to be delivered. I opened the app and was going to delete it. But I accidentally placed the order. (Really it was an accident!) In pursuit of a healthier lifestyle, I haven’t had a Krispy Kreme donut in ages. I’ve convinced myself that the donuts were Uncle Ralph granting me grace from the other side…or maybe playing a practical joke; he was always the prankster. A reminder of the sweetness that life can bring if we embrace what we are supposed to.

Rest in peace, my dear Uncle Ralph.


Gina Messina, Ph.D. is an American feminist scholar, Catholic theologian, activist, and mom. She serves as Associate Professor of Religious Studies at Ursuline College and is co-founder of FeminismAndReligion.com. She has written for the Huffington Post and is author or editor of five books including Jesus in the White House: Make Humanity Great Again and Women Religion Revolution. Messina is a widely sought after speaker and has presented across the US at universities, organizations, conferences and on national platforms including appearances on MSNBC, Tavis Smiley, NPR and the TEDx stage. She has also spoken at the Commission on the Status of Women at the United Nations to discuss matters impacting the lives of women around the globe. Messina is active in movements to end violence against women and explores opportunities for spiritual healing. Connect with her on Twitter @GMessinaPhD, Instagram: @GinaMessinaPhD, Facebook, and her website ginamessina.com.



Categories: General

10 replies

  1. Enjoy those donuts Gina and cut yourself some slack. You’re doing the best that you can. XXX

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Your uncle Ralph appreciated your visit and I am sure he did not miss the one you did not make. Sounds like he had lots of support. You know women actually cannot do everything, so don’t judge yourself for doing what you can.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh my, I can so relate, Gina! I deeply appreciate your story. A long time ago, 30 years in fact, midlife transformation nearly did me in! But I learned. For me, midlife was a time of deep descent to the Goddess through the energies of Inanna and Ereskigal. My Ninshubar, my longtime friend stayed above on watch while I made my descent. It took, strangely, 7 years. Just as it said in the first dream I had after 35 years of nightmares! I passed through seven gates, the loss of many unnecessary identifications such as “best ever looker after” and “I can do everything,” “I’m a GOOD girl” and “A good Catholic” … were lost forever! I learned that there is one person I must look after first: me. I began to write. I wrote. Where did the time come from? Strange. Others are very capable. And, my children then 9, 15 and 17 became fascinatingly independent!!! Found out they were capable of amazing feats of skill.

    I make fun. Seriously, it was a hellish time for sure but … “I came out alive after all.” Carl Sandburg
    Take care and keep writing!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Beautiful post, Gina! Thank you for sharing your journey with us and illuminating ours. Thank you for sharing your uncle’s beauty and wisdom. For sure he sent those donuts. Love the idea that grace can also be a loving–and edible–prank!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Friends, thanks to all of you for your lovely messages. Carol, I always refer back to you and all I’ve learned from you about sharing and learning from our experiences. I am so grateful. I appreciate that you each took the time to share your thoughts here – I always do, even if I don’t get back to add my thanks. My Uncle Ralph was a wonderful person and I am grateful for the time Sarah and I spent with him these last months and the reminder that our relationships is where we should give our greatest focus – and that we can only do that if we take care of ourselves. I don’t think my struggles are much different from anyone else’s – I am just trying to be vulnerable and verbalize them in the spirit of sharing experience and recognizing that we are not alone in these struggles! My deepest gratitude to each of you!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Gina —

    It’s so easy to fall into the trap of blaming ourselves, when in reality we’re doing the best we can. Your uncle Ralph was clearly a blessing in your life, and you were a blessing in his.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Your story is real and beautiful – a great combination. I think allowing ourselves to be personal and vulnerable actually is a strength. Blessings to you
    Sara

    Like

  8. So happy to have met you. Hope to connect again real soon
    ❤️❤️

    Like

  9. I wonder who is going to take care of me too but thank God for the strength to face everyday! Thank you for this post!

    Like

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