Dr. Signature’s Whoopee Pack by Barbara Ardinger


As I write this in late June, the news is still pretty depressing. Pandemic. Politics. Corruption. No no no. I can’t write anything current and cheery, so here’s another bit of distracting nonsense from my so-called archive.

Back in the 80s, I had a consulting position (sic.) with a multi-level marketing company. How many of us remember MLM? How many of us even remember the 80s? MLM was really big in the last quarter of the last century. Everybody thought it was a really good idea to enroll all their friends in “marketing” assorted products. (Well, I once sold a candy bar via MLM, but I never got around to recruiting my friends.) In 1984, I had a job with an MLM company writing product descriptions and announcements. One of their products was called Dr’s Signature Vita-Pack. It contained lots and lots of multi-vitamins and other supplements.

And guess what—by the time I got the copy written for the Vita-Pack, I was getting Really Bored. So I wrote the following parody and showed it around to some of the guys I was working with. Our supervisor was Not Amused. But because I was a better writer than anyone else in the room, he didn’t fire me. He just kept a very close eye on me. Like that had never happened to me before. A month or so later, thank goodness, one of the other supervisors took me into her group and I began writing about how much fun it was to meet new people and run meetings and Really Get Out There. I behaved myself, and she and I became friends for as long as I worked for the MLM company.

PLEASE NOTE: I’m offering this as a medicine (or cure) for the Coronavirus. Something’s gotta work eventually!

Before it’s too late…Dr. Signature’s Whoopee Pack

You know you’ve got it—life in the fast lane. And you have to be Supercharged to keep up with all those other Yuppies. You can’t let them pass you by. It’s not too late to grab your share of the gusto!

Dr. Signature, the world’s greatest health authority, aloe farmer, and free-fall enthusiast, wants to share his secrets for a more highly satisfying life than you’ve ever known before.

Try these four supplements daily and see if you don’t get a charge (a high one) and if you don’t FEEL IN CHARGE.

  1. Highly Potent Multi-Mega-Vita-Vege-Chela-Enzy-Chlora-Mino-Min. No “mini” here, but a Maxi-Mega Vita-Mineral to start your heart (and your lungs, kidneys, and digestive system) every morning and keep ’em going all day. Contains every beneficial ingredient ever discovered or invented by man (including some curious forms of Sea Life previously believed to be mythological). Safe and nontoxic. No boring side effects.
  2. Stimulator. Formulated especially for you from the smoothest old devil-may-care goat glands not already in use. Add Stimulator to your morning beverage (whatever it may be) and you’ll glow all day! Guaranteed to make your life more interesting. And your social life more adventuresome.
  3. Super-Turbo-Charged Protein. The most powerful formulation yet released on this planet. Start your own internal nuclear fusion reaction. Our Protein Drink gives you more power, more energy, more force, and a bigger aura than you ever dreamed possible. You will be absolutely unstoppable! You’ll really get things done!! You’ll make a genuine difference in your world!!!
  4. Tummy Soother. Heck, everybody’s gotta slow down sometime. Get laid back and relax. Imbibe a bit of Tummy Soother. See the beautiful Southern California air (no matter where you live). Feel the flowers. Chew the scenery. Our Special Formula Tummy Soother is just like your Teddy Bear, only in liquid form. It makes you feel good all over. It lets you unwind, bank the fires a bit, eat a peaceful dinner without outshining the candles. Try Tummy Soother for that free, floatery, flickery feeling.

Dr. Signature’s Whoopee Pack—formulated from the world’s purest ingredients for the world’s purest person: YOU.

Available only at a very high price from Forced Life Genetic Engineering and Erector Set Company, Brea, California. To sample Dr. Signature’s Whoopee Pack and our other rare and wonderful products, call toll-free: 1-800-W-H-O-O-P-E-E. Nothing will ever be the same again.

You know what? To this day, I still don’t know why they didn’t fire me. I hope they were laughing too hard to take parody seriously. As someone has said, laughter is good medicine.

Would Dr. Signature’s Whoopee Pack cure the Covid? Which ingredient should we offer to the Huge Orange Tyrannosaurus Rex in the White House? How soon?

 

Barbara Ardinger, Ph.D. (www.barbaraardinger.com), is a published author and freelance editor. Her newest book is Secret Lives, a novel about grandmothers who do magic.  Her earlier nonfiction books include the daybook Pagan Every DayFinding New Goddesses (a pun-filled parody of goddess encyclopedias), and Goddess Meditations.  When she can get away from the computer, she goes to the theater as often as possible—she loves musical theater and movies in which people sing and dance. She is also an active CERT (Community Emergency Rescue Team) volunteer and a member (and occasional secretary pro-tem) of a neighborhood organization that focuses on code enforcement and safety for citizens. She has been an AIDS emotional support volunteer and a literacy volunteer. She is an active member of the Neopagan community and is well known for the rituals she creates and leads.



Categories: General, Humor, Women's Voices

Tags: , ,

10 replies

  1. I’m sold! Seriously, this is hilarious. Fire you! They should have promoted you, As for the ingredient for the Quack-in-Chief is there one that causes people to “Resign, effective immediately” ? Thanks for the much needed laugh.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. As you say – they couldn’t fire you – you are the best writer in the room!
    Thanks for making me laugh.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You are just too funny. I’m sitting here chuckling. I really want to try those supplements “previously believed to be mythological” so sign me up. Oh don’t worry, I’ll just call that 800 number. Still chuckling. Thanks for the uplift to my day.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. thank you dear Barbara for your cheerful stories midst all of this!
    Blissings to you

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I remember the 80s AND MLM! Thank you for the laughs, the reminders of that strange and sometimes hilarious time, and the satirical takedown of the advertising industry, which desperately needs it!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thanks, Barbara. Your story helped me realize one-third of my COVID motto: “Stay safe, stay sane, and laugh whenever you can!”

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Very funny Barbara!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Your sarcasm is on point. I was with Arbonne for a hot minute. MLM is a friendship killer. The descriptions are perfect. Hope you’re doing well, sending big germ free hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. This is my favorite line: “he didn’t fire me. He just kept a very close eye on me. Like that had never happened to me before. ” LOL I love your spirit and spunk!!! You rock!! <3

    Liked by 1 person

    • I did a lot of temp office work during the late 80s and 90s. But I guess I’m too rebellious. I did get fired or dismissed several times. By young men with less education than I have. Ho ho ho. But I sure learned a lot in all those offices. Like how not to manage people.

      Like

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