Honoring the Self by Stephanie Arel

365 days inhabit a year. Maximizing each day entails creating habits. Looking toward this new year, I’ve been thinking about habits that might facilitate a composure apparent in women I admire (Julia Kristeva, Ann Ulanov to name two): I’ll name this self-command as a calm, stalwart comfort with themselves. It’s a self-command I would like to possess, and so I am creating a list of 365 things: simple and some not so simple daily practices held with the intention to honor the self.

What does “Honor yourself (or your self)” mean, though? Sites all over the internet chime in. “Respect, admire, appreciate yourself.” “Redefine the word selfish.” And “Love yourself.” One site focuses on creating practices where honor manifests as “respect and integrity – acting in accordance with your values and holding yourself in high esteem.” In making my list, I realized the necessity to categorize the actions in terms of what they produce. What actions foster a calm, stalwart comfort?

Therapist Lisa Neuweg, says honoring the self constitutes accepting all parts of the self. On the same site, psychotherapist Lisa McCrohan, emphasizes living our lives around what is most sacred to us (read here). In a blog connected to her book, Honor Yourself: The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving, Patricia Spadaro discusses strategies: be honest, draw healthy boundaries, hang out with people who celebrate you.

In reviewing these websites, the idea – honor the self – continued to puzzle me. So, I started to think about what interfered with my understanding. Honoring the self seems straight forward – take care of the body, invest time in self-care, and say “no” more than “yes,” or “yes” more than “no” depending on the need and context. On a deeper level, many of us struggle with manifesting calm, stalwart comfort with ourselves. Part of this is due to the distinction between actions and inner peace. The tasks named above may be easily employable (assuming a certain level of mastery of past traumas for instance), but not always productive of a deep sense of self-worth or, yes, honor, the respect and recognition for dignity of the self, my self.

Although by far actions lay a groundwork for change, the reality that actions do not always translate into deeper psychological shifts provokes a question. Take for instance the act of being honest. Not being honest serves some function or strategy. Perhaps that strategy is to protect the liar from shame and/or the receiver of the lie from pain. As a result, addressing the behavior of lying (Spadaro’s strategy for honoring the self – just be honest) must be preceded by addressing what is shameful, or addressing the shame itself.

Similarly, drawing healthy boundaries entails actions such as saying no to requests, not surrendering time that needs to be dedicated to self-care to others, and an important one, knowing when relationships are power laden (whether we possess the power or not). Refusing to transgress the lines that power imposes respects all involved parties. If we hold the power, respect means not using the power for personal advantage or disparagement of others. Having less power presents another set of challenges: how do we assert ourselves and maintain self-respect when we perceive ourselves as powerless? Honoring the self offers a concept for how to identify when power has gone awry, and boundaries are neglected. In the complexity that emerges, it seems that more than behavior indicates what honoring the self means. Truly honoring the self requires some deeper digging into the source of behavior.

There are two sources and/or methods from which that help us conceptualize: psychological and religious.

In the first case, most of the websites that recommend honoring the self look at honor from a cognitive behavioral approach. This perspective focuses on identifying and modifying specific thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs in the here and now, and then subsequently on alleviating symptoms. The logic goes “If I am honest, I will be happier/less depressed.” The more psychodynamic approach, that I suggest, encourages insight into unconscious processes – “Why do I lie?” (Keep in mind, lying can be to the self). Without asking “Why?” resolution of underlying conflicts, broader personality change, and self-discovery remains elusive.

In terms of religion, honoring the self poses a challenge in the notion of the self. In the Western Judeo-Christian approach, humanity is made in God’s image. Honoring the self, in this context, either involves acknowledging the inherent dignity and worth of every individual as a reflection of the divine (Christianity) or is connected to recognizing the divine spark within oneself and others, thus promoting ethical behavior (Judaism). In Islam, every individual is born with an innate nature (fitrah) that indicates an inherent inclination to accept the oneness of God and to submit to God’s nature. This fitrah is often referred to as a primordial state of purity and inclination towards God, where the self is in a continual process of God’s recognition.

In Eastern religions, such as Hinduism, Buddhism, and Taoism, the self is not thought of apart from awareness, self-realization, and understanding in relation to the larger cosmos. Hinduism recognizes the concept of “Atman,” the individual soul, and “Brahman,” the ultimate reality or cosmic spirit. Honoring the self involves recognizing the divine nature within oneself (Atman) and perceiving the interconnectedness of all selves in the universal reality (Brahman).  Buddhism teaches the concept of “Anatta,” or ‘no-self,” suggesting impermanency– the self is a collection of ever-changing elements. Honoring the self in Buddhism does not really make total sense because part of the philosophical system is letting go of attachments to a fixed sense of self.

Understanding the approach, related to psychology or religion, helps clarify what practices might be adequate. For me, a measurement evolves. I have devised three different results I would like each daily practice or habit to produce in the hopes of fostering a calm, stalwart comfortability with myself. For 365 days, beginning in January, I will do something that facilitates one of the following:

• An encounter with myself. I take the words from James Baldwin in The Devil Finds Work: “To encounter oneself is to encounter the other: and this is love. If I know that my soul trembles, I know that yours does, too: and if I can respect this, both of us can live. Neither of us, truly, can live without the other: a statement which would not sound so banal if one were not so endlessly compelled to repeat it, and act on that belief.” An internal understandingof the self, actions, and motivations encourages the encounter, honoring the self, loving the self, and loving the other.
  
  
• A sense of meaning, purpose, or connection, to some more abundant reality or divinity. This is the connection to more and the belief that the world gives us more than what is possible. Paul Ricoeur calls it the “logic of superabundance” (see this essay by philosopher Crina M. Gschwandtner for clarification), a logic undergirded by spiritual practices and religious language.

• And last, in Ayn Rand’s terms, finding the hero in my own soul, manifested by an acceptance of change and trust in my ability to move through change.

On my list, I include immersions in nature, journaling, times for discovery, note taking, movement, and spiritual rituals. I am more than happy to take suggestions and compare notes!

Happy New Year!