Our Parent Who Art In Charge: The Subconscious Idolatry of Authoritarian Parenting by Tallessyn Zawn Grenfell-Lee

I remember the first time I noticed my oldest child intentionally tell me a lie. She was probably six. Of course, she had fibbed plenty of times as a toddler, but those were more like experiments by a budding scientist to discover what would happen if she said this or that. But as a slightly older child, this lie – which I saw through immediately – was clearly an attempt to escape punishment or chastisement of some kind. 

Frankly, it was an understandable, intelligent choice. I stared at her, frozen, feeling like a failure as a parent. I realized in that moment that it was entirely because of me that she was lying. I had clearly taught her that telling me the truth led to undesirable outcomes – shaming, ‘consequences,’ maybe even anger – and forced her to choose between two bad options: now she felt bad about the lie, too.

It was a pivotal moment in my parenting journey, because I had been raised with the idea that my job as a parent was to be in charge, teach right from wrong, and direct my kids’ behavior and choices. Basically, I should be a benevolent dictator. But that idea had never really sat well with me, so I had been trying to find alternatives to either authoritarian or permissive parenting styles. I didn’t have a term for it at the time, but nowadays, you could call what I was seeking ‘democratic parenting.’

Democratic parenting reminds me a bit of the famous quote by Marie Shear: “Feminism is the radical notion that women are people.” In a similar way, democratic parenting is the radical notion that kids are people, too. Yet, importantly, they are not adults; like any community, people have differing roles and contributions. But in this approach, the family works together as a team, and the main guideline is that everyone treats everyone else with respect. A ‘do unto others’ kind of approach, you might say.

Things are simpler at first: babies need a safe and nurturing environment; and our job as parents is to help them meet their needs and to be that ‘non-anxious presence.’ In order to do that, parents obviously need to be sure our needs are being met as well. We are not limitless fountains of energy and wisdom. We need help; we need resources; we need rest. Neighbors – Elders – Books – Sabbath. We also need to face the ways in which parenting confronts us with our own brokenness, and seek to heal. Honestly, most of us probably need therapy. 

Later, democratic parenting gets more complex. This is a distinctly humbling approach to parenting. We are not omnipotent or omniscient – we are not gods, despite how much power we have over our children, particularly when they are small. For me, letting go of being in charge, having all the answers, ‘fixing’ everything, was a huge relief. It turns out, it worked a whole lot better, too. 

Democratic parents are mentors, rather than dictators. Instead of always giving answers, we ask a lot of questions. I try to ask them with an open mind and with compassion. Sometimes I get stressed, or make mistakes, so I do a lot of apologizing, too. We all do. In the case of that particular lie, I crouched down and gave my daughter a hug. “I am so sorry that I have made you think you have to lie,” I said to her. “I am so sorry you feel like you can’t tell me the truth. That is my fault, not yours. I love you. Will you let me try again, to help you better this time?” And my poor kid looked so startled – and so relieved.

In all honesty, in some ways, this approach is a whole lot more work.  It seems like it would be so much simpler just to ‘lay down the law,’ rather than building relationships of mutual trust and respect. We have a lot of discussions. We had to work really hard to build the skill of peaceful, non-violent communication together. I also had to be fairly organized and intentional about making sure these discussions happened regularly enough so we didn’t slip back into old patterns. Yes, it’s a lot of effort; but the result is a harmonious home of empowered people who trust and help one another. And that’s not just pleasant, it’s a lot safer – because when I did have to yell at them to move out of danger’s path, they responded instantly – not out of fear, but out of trust. 

Now they are young adults; but even when they were teenagers, there was no fighting in our home. We all try to be allies, rather than police. The book Intuitive Eating describes the Food Police vs. the Nutritional Ally. You can probably guess the difference – our inner Food Police tries to shame and force us regarding what to eat and what not to eat; whereas the nutritional ally gently helps us make informed decisions that feel right to us. As a democratic parent, I basically applied this idea to everything. No arguments about chores or laundry – they happily do their own laundry, keep their spaces as neat or cluttered as they like, and we figure out together how to have clean common spaces. We don’t fight about technology – we have helped them understand the dangers of the internet and screen addiction, so they set healthy boundaries around those things, occasionally asking for our input. And certainly no fighting about food.

I really do not mean to make this sound easy. As a trauma survivor, I have had plenty of work modeling to my kids how broken vessels can keep trying, messing up, and trying again. Frankly, it’s a relief to my kids that I am so open about my mistakes – it gives them permission not to be perfect, either. 

And it begs the question: how does our theology mirror our parenting? In our Covenant with the Divine, what do we believe the Holy One expects of us – and therefore, what do we expect from our children? Obedience? Fear? Or mutual trust, respect, and empowerment? That’s really the heart of Democratic Parenting – we parents sometimes think we are supposed to be like the Divine Parent, a perfect, infinite source of love and wisdom, all-powerful. But maybe that’s a kind of idolatry, or hubris. Maybe, in the end, our yoke is easy and our burden is light – because all we really need is the Golden Rule.

Note: this article was first published in Spiritual Parent on 11/8/19.