I’m sitting on my meditation pillow for the thousandth time searching for clarity. Initially, going within feels like traversing a jungle; swinging from one thought branch to another. I’m itching for some peace and I’m almost certain this isn’t the way to it. But, I’ve been here before and I won’t quit breathing through the discomfort. I know I will greet the inner goddess soon enough. Getting past the noise is part of accessing her wisdom. The noise teaches me discernment (if I allow it to).
Eventually, the monkey mind gathers up all the branches and turns them into a prodigious figure that blocks the sun inside. Hello darkness my old friend. Inner garbage (fear) makes her entrance. I’m still breathing. Eyes closed. Determined through slow, rhythmic breaths, to move past her. I know I cannot run from her. She’s faster and outwits me every time.
You’re aging. You’re alone. You’re not good enough. Everyone knows this. Popular culture is right—as a woman, your worth is primarily based on your appearance and how well you consent to societal expectations on what women ought to be. You can never truly be what they want. That makes you unlovable. Unworthy. Undesirable. Weaker. Powerless. Forgotten.
No matter how many times I hear this edict from inner garbage, it still feels like lemon juice on a fresh paper cut. I’m tempted to believe her. I almost want to. I want to give up the fight of walking towards the Light because it requires diligence, integrity, and commitment to growth. This creates an unending awareness of your relationship to self, others, Life. You become mindful of the interconnected web of humanity and how your behavior impacts it. The Light will ask you to expand beyond your small self. She will ask for your deepest vulnerabilities and then present lessons for you to grow through them. How else would you ever know yourself beyond your fears and triggers? Often, those painful experiences lead you to your most compassionate, wise, and loving self.
Yet, sometimes, I want nothing to do with the Light’s call. I want to contract and dwell in darkness and hide. I don’t want to make the effort to feel radiant or loving or connected to Source. I don’t want to be conscious; I want to be selfish. I don’t want to trust; I want to control. Maybe I want to be alone so that I don’t have to share the hardest parts of myself with another. Perhaps I will never be ready for that kind of exposition. Maybe being a spiritual woman isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Am I too much for some? Too little for others? Conforming may not be a bad idea. This whole self-love and worthiness business is a pipe dream. Accept that I’m broken and get back to work. Stop striving.
How long did I set the timer for this meditation again?!? Thirty minutes? Not sure how much more I can take of inner garbage’s diatribe! She sounds kinda right, though, and awfully logical. Where is the Wise, Loving One within me? Where is my inner goddess?!
…draw deep breaths. Keep your eyes gently closed. You are safe.
Open mouth exhale—my inner goddess has arrived.
The thing about goddesses is that they feel it all. From salty oceanic sadness to red hot lava anger to pure moonlight joy. Everything is sacred, held, and understood. Somewhere down and through the spiral, it’s all transmuted into Love and Wisdom. My inner goddess is comprised of Yemaya, Pele, Hina, Athena, Saraswati, Lakshmi, and Kali. Yemaya is mother, nurturer, healer. Pele is passion, emotion, heat. Hina is moon, soft, calm. Athena is wise protector. Saraswati is conscious creativity. Lakshmi knows her worth and value. Kali reveals and severs what does not serve the greatest good.
They are all different sizes, colors, textures, and tones. They transcend linear age; they are cyclically maiden, mother, and crone. Hauntingly beautiful in each expression.
You are divine as you are. You are innately good enough, worthy, and loveable, regardless of age, body, color, size, and circumstance. This can never not be. You are a fragment of Spirit. Yes, you can forget this—maya has her ways—but, nothing can take away from your true nature. You can never not be connected to Love; to Source.
Honor your unique manifestation as the Divine Feminine. Honor the multifaceted ways of being a woman. No need to limit who or what you are: Goddess in all Her emanations, from nurturer to warrioress, from lover to autonomous, from youth to sage, from full to crescent, from intelligence to intuition, from Aphrodite’s beauty to Coatlicue’s ferocity. Whatever your expression, honor it and be conscious.
No need to fret about missing out on partnerships or opportunities. You will magnetize the people, places, and things that serve your Highest Good, if you allow yourself to be guided and know your innate self-worth throughout the process (this will require patience, action, and trust on your part). Hearing guidance is easier when you go within. Love and Light are always present, especially in the thick of the garbage. Finding the Wise, Loving voice is what helps you become Wise and Loving, which are essential qualities for the web. Fear can be a teacher in reclaiming our most sacred selves, if we choose this relationship with it…
The timer goes off; thirty minutes is up. I slowly readjust to maya. It humbles me that I can choose between fear and love. What a responsibility we all carry. Fear seems like a convenient road, but she devours any speck of inner peace and authenticity. Oddly enough, Love can look like a perilous path because of what she draws out of us. That road will reveal all of you. There are some dark nights and things that crumble without warning. Nevertheless, it’s all designed to bring forth your divine self—which is intrinsically loveable, loving, beautiful, powerful, benevolent, good enough, worthy, valuable, eternal, remembered, and cherished.
“Divine Beloved, change into One who can fully love, forgive, and accept myself, so I may carry your Light without restriction. May I know my own value, beauty, and worthiness without question.” ~ Tosha Silver
Vanessa Soriano, Ph.D., is a yoga teacher (with an 8-5 job) who completed her Ph.D. in Religion and Philosophy with an emphasis in Women’s Spirituality at the California Institute of Integral Studies. After enduring some traumatic events, she was inspired to study religion and spirituality from every angle possible. Somewhere along that journey, she encountered the feminine face of the Divine and fell madly in love with the Goddess.
Carol P. Christ has been having computer troubles. Her blog will be back online next Monday.