This was originally posted on April 23, 2012
One test of a thealogy is whether it can help us “make sense” of our lives—even the senseless parts of them.
Recently a friend told me that the teen-aged daughter of a friend of hers had committed suicide. “What would your thealogy say to that?” she asked me. Here is what I might say to a friend who lost her daughter:
I am so sorry for your loss. This never should have happened.
I remember times when I wanted to commit suicide. My pain was intense and my mind was stuck. All I could think was: this hurts too much to go on, and it will never change, so I might as well die. I am so sorry if your daughter felt that way, because I know it is a horrible way to feel. I am sorry she was not able to understand that it could have–and probably would have–changed. Don’t blame her. Sometimes pain is so overwhelming you really cannot see beyond it. Don’t blame yourself either. I am certain you did everything you could think of to help her. I know that if you could have prevented her, you would have. It really was not your fault. I don’t blame you, and no one else should either.
I also want to tell you that what happened to your daughter was not the will of God. Goddess, like you, felt you daughter’s suffering and reached out to try to help her. Like you, She did not have a magic wand. All She could offer was love and understanding. Right now Goddess is feeling your feelings of anger and sorrow that Her love and compassion and yours were not enough to comfort your daughter. Please do not torture yourself further by asking how this could have been the will of God. It was not. It really was not.
I know it may seem small comfort now, but Goddess is reaching out to you with understanding and love. She feels your feelings, and She wants you to know that you are not alone. There are other mothers like you who have survived great loss. She is there to help you find the strength to survive too. What happened really is an irreparable loss. Despite the pain you are feeling now and will always feel, there is still beauty in life. In time, you may see and feel the beauty of life again too. For now, pour your heart out to anyone who will listen, and when you can’t find anyone else, know that She is there. The path back to life will not be an easy path, but She will be with you all the way.
If anyone suggests to you that it was your fault, tell them to f*** off.
If anyone suggests to you that it was Goddess’s will, tell them to f*** off too!
If anyone suggests that it must have been “for the best,” tell them that it was not– because the best would have been for your daughter to find a way back to life.
I hope you will find your way back.
The will of Goddess is not a mystery. She wanted your daughter to live, and She wants you to find a way to live after losing your beloved daughter.
And to my friend I would add: This is how my thealogy makes sense of life as I know it– including the senseless parts of it.
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It’s nearly immeasurable, the pain of losing a child, and perhaps even moreso in this way. I cannot imagine the helplessness the loving parent feels! Ugh! Anguish!
While I never say, ‘sorry for your loss’ my heart aches for them and I am deeply sorry they are moving through this experience. I have recently begun saying, “I am deeply sorry for the grief you have and offer ways to help and comfort if you are open to it.” But since everyone processes grief so differently (because our views on death are so unique), and each circumstance too, adds complexity, my offers are rarely accepted. And of course, that’s okay as it’s not about me. And I hold space for the grieving as whatever they need to do is what’s best for them.
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What you say is so important – when you are witnessing loss – it is not about you -but the other. And holding space is for another’s grief without knowledge of how that person will experience it is key to being present to unfathomable loss.
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Do not let anyone tell that you get over major losses.
You carry your sadnesses.
They make you a wise, complex, evolved being.
Find joy in spite of the sadnesses you carry.
Let your grief be the compost for today’s imperfect yet tender joy.
(A poem from Soft Throat, my poetry anthology, Terry Folks)
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Carol reaches into the anguish of a suicide and offers freedom and comfort that is realistic as well as demonstrating the depth of such losses. As a suicide survivor I know she speaks the truth and hope that others who have had these violent life changing experiences can find their way back… for me it was nature and the discovery of the goddess that helped me move through the terrible guilt of not being able to ‘save’ my little brother from his death. 50 years later this loss is still very much present and has shaped my life in ways that I wasn’t even aware of. We do not get over these losses, Carol is right. But we can learn to live with them. This is the kind of post that one could offer to a bereaved person….honest and true.
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