Gardens Bloom Between our Wombs by Chaz J.

For years, I have dedicated my life to empowering and uplifting all women in all ways. I have loved women as mothers, aunties, sisters, friends, cousins, teachers, mentors, daughters, God, and most recently myself. The depth of sweetness and emotion for women runs as deep as my life’s work. My life’s work centers and finds a deep well of inspiration in women and women’s lived experiences. My feelings concerning women were confusing for a long time and for a long time I have loved women in every way, except two: sexually and romantically. Giving myself permission to love women in every way has been one of the most liberating personal experiences of my life. It is one of my most radical revolutions. It is self-acceptance and self love in totality. 

The object of my desires is fluid and delicate. She is intuitive  and evasive. She is real and ethereal. She is Wombman. She created and is the fundamental elements that constantly gives birth to the world around us. She has given birth to all of us. She is fire and fury. She is Mother Gaia. She is the winds of change. She is water’s depth and grace. She is the sunlight after a storm. She IS the storm purging impurities. She is a creator and she is destruction. She simply IS…

She is the source of all. She is the light and love that spiritual, but not religious people obsess over. She is the shadow that haunts me because she is always a part of me. I have spent so much time in the dark that I have learned to work with my shadows. I have learned to listen, understand, and love them. I have learned to hold and embrace all the aspects of myself. In the dark is where I find more of my truth. This is void that most fear. My heart goes out to those who never gain the courage to reckon with and know themselves. 

ONLY THEN. Only when whole and connected with the totality that is myself, am I able to accept the truth that I do not only desire to see women healthy and happy. I desire to love women and care for them in a deeply sacred and sensual way. Sometimes I just think about it to myself and cherish the waves of euphoria that wash over me. Because now I KNOW myself. It is a relief. Sometimes I wear my rainbow socks to express my love for the most mysterious and powerful creation in existence. Every time a woman smiles, God is smiling because women are divine and God is a woman. Wombman.

To dismantle the ‘good girl’ image deeply ingrained by my conservative evangelical Christian upbringing—an image that idolized Eve’s submissive role—I’ve been exploring the energy of Lilith. The Lilith archetype embodies the dark divine feminine. As Adam’s first wife in the Garden of Eden, created from the same dust as him, she was his equal. When pressured to conform to a rigid gender role, to de-center herself, to become a ‘helpmate’ subservient to Adam, she was cast out. Homeless and alone, she chose freedom and the unknown over surrendering autonomy over her body and spirit (Sesay, Adama, Black Moon Lilith: Cosmic Alchemy Oracle). 

Only in my thirties, after enduring acute and traumatic pain, did I truly appreciate the remarkable resilience of women. They endure, transmute, and transcend their struggles, emerging not as saints, but as queens of their own being. They reign over themselves.

I am captivated by Lilith’s defiance of societal norms and ‘natural’ order. I admire her embrace of the subversive, wild, and free spirit. She is THE rebel, demanding equality while unafraid to live in the shadows.

Tragically, Lilith has been demonized, literally. Reduced to a mother of demons and a concubine of Satan, she has been vilified and used to control women for centuries.

Lilith inspires me to break free from the shackles of control, fear, and the tyranny of others’ opinions. It aligns with my commitment to personal liberation. Embracing my inner ‘villain’ isn’t about inflicting harm; it’s a radical act of self-love. It’s a defiant “You condemn me to hell for demanding equality, for loving women, for challenging patriarchal dogma, for simply being myself? Watch me reign as queen of hell!” I prioritize my own well-being, regardless of being labeled a ‘bitch,’ an ‘angry Black woman,’ or a ‘demon.’ I choose to love women fully, defying the homophobia ingrained within me.

Lilith dismantles the ‘good girl’ ego, the people-pleaser who conforms to societal expectations. I’ve resisted subtly, but now, inspired by Lilith, I push boundaries boldly. This is the definition of queer that I cherish, to turn upside down, to subvert. 

I’m increasingly aware that seeking external validation is a form of submission, a form of mental enslavement. I will not be bound. Just as Lilith’s act of defiance in the name of liberation, autonomy, and self-love was demonized, I anticipate a challenging journey. Walking the ‘villain’s path’ will be necessary.

Lilith’s bold and decisive stance serves as a powerful metaphor for disconnecting from the matrix we never chose. This reality, this system, seeks to enslave us. We can either submit, sacrificing parts of ourselves to conform, or we can break free and embrace life-giving experiences.

And women are the only ones that I know who give life <3 

My hands have never touched skin like velvet
My soul has never drank from a well of honey
My lips never cradled so softly
Gardens bloom between our wombs.

Bio: Chaz J is a Womanist theologian, Interfaith spiritual advisor, spiritual therapist, intuitive, yoga teacher, mother, lover, liberationist, spiritual decolonizer that lives at the intersection of spirituality, psychology, and wellness.