Recently I had a serious accident and ended up in a nursing home after the surgery. My experience in this house of horrors was terrifying. Without any family support I was left to a health system that is hopelessly broken.
Drugged on my arrival it was a few days before I realized that the 17 drugs were making me sicker than I already was. I take only one regular medication and it wasn’t until I refused all but my one medication for PTSD/anxiety that my head began to clear. I was left alone under bright lights for my entire stay, and it remains to be seen whether I have suffered permanent eye damage as a result because I am so photophobic. The noise was unbearable making it impossible to sleep. No one bathed me or cleaned the filthy room. Ringing for help brought no one to my aid most of the time. It is important to state that there were exceptions, a couple of dedicated aides and three nurses, but no one was reliable on a daily basis. Because I was unable to eat the fatty unpalatable food, I lost pounds every few days. I was slowly starving. I remember thinking that I was going to die in this place, and it was this dawning realization that brought be back to the edge of life.
That, and the visits from my beloved Vet who despite so many other obligations managed to come to see me, bringing nourishing soups that his wife made whenever he could. Food I could eat. Gary’s love and concern for me was visceral, and often we just sat in the dark as he held my hand. We have been friends for many years, and he was the person I called before I left for the hospital to come and take my hysterical dogs whose haunting screams will reverberate through my body for the rest of my life. In ten years, my little girls and I had never been separated. Gary, in between holistic medical and herbal lecturing across the country also managed to have someone bring the dogs to me for visits. Meanwhile he made sure they were cared for. The first time Hope and Lucy saw me they just stared at me dumbly. No reaction. They believed I was dead.
The moment Gary became Power of Attorney my life suddenly changed radically. I had already told staff I was not going to stay, but before this shift I was aware that these people had no intention of letting me go until they thought the time was right. Up until then I had absolutely no control over my life.
The very next day I was released. Coming home severely dehydrated, and so emaciated I could barely stand upright, it was with profound relief that I fell into my own bed, sensing again the reality of my close encounter with death. Visits from my dogs, my beloved forest, trees with leaves drifting to the ground, the sound of my brook, incredibly kind women (just the opposite of the bitch who told me she was caring for my plants and dumping the de humidifiers, my plants were moldy on my return and the de -humidifiers had been turned up to 70 ), daily conversations with Gary and visits from other out of state friends helped me to balance out the terror. This week Hope and Lucy finally came home.
I feel blessed.
I am incredibly grateful to the many people that have genuinely supported me, and when I recover, I am going to volunteer to help others, just as I have been helped. The generosity of so many has moved me deeply, but Gary’s steadfast attention and love have been the cornerstone of my recovery. The depth and breadth of friendships like this one cannot be adequately expressed in words.
The most important reason I am sharing this story is to alert and implore anyone who has irresponsible, uncaring untrustworthy family members, or none at all, take concrete steps to have someone become a legal Advocate before tragedy strikes, because in this broken health system without someone to intervene on your behalf, a person is doomed.
CEREMONY
There are times in one’s life when Ceremony becomes the bridge from one way of being to another.
This year I crossed such a threshold after a fall that hospitalized me, drugged me senseless, and left my body floundering, slipping through liminal space into the void.
During that loneliest and most desperate time, only my beloved Vet came to visit me, and it was his life force that kept me alive.
His love, his willingness to embrace Powers of Attorney on my behalf as well as his devotion and care for my beloved dogs during my incarceration were two acts that helped me cross the threshold. The longing for my earth home was the third.
During that period, I had two visions…
In the first I was at the end of a long very narrow and dark tunnel. In the distance a Lakota Sioux Medicine man (who is a friend of mine) seemed to be blowing some kind of smoke in my direction, but I was too far away to be reached…*
In the second I witnessed two large glaring white crosses made of pearls that were anchored to the ground.
Up until that second vision I carried an awareness that I was dying from grief.
Then, miraculous release.
After my Vet’s compassionate and loving intervention, I returned home. Soon after I had the following dream:
I was at the river’s edge. There was a man in a boat who was going to take people across the water…I understood that it was not my time and that I would be left behind…
At present I am re-united with the ‘powers of place’ my home, my dearest little dogs and bird, slowly recovering and gaining back my strength.
On the night of the full moon just before All Hallows (the Feast of the Dead in most Native and European traditions) my Vet knelt before the wood-stove and set fire to the past.
Both of us were aware of the importance of enacting this Ceremony.
It took three times to light the match, reinforcing the necessity of the powers of myth to be present to complete a transition from one way of being to another.
LOVE set me free.
*** Recently in a conversation with Al (MGM) he told me that he had done a number of ceremonies for me after my accident…. I told him about the vision… his response was that he had seen me turn around in the tunnel…
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Powerful story, Sara! Thank the Goddess for your faithful friend. Thank you for the warning and sage advice. And thank you for sharing your dreams and visions. You truly walk between the worlds.
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You are perceptive – yes I walk between two worlds…. but the warning is real – aging is hard but what is truly frightening is what happens when we are dumped into a robotic medical system without someone to advocate…. something EVERY single woman with or without family she can trust needs our attention… pay attention – please
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I am aware of what you are saying Sarah, my mother went to a nursing home and the first thing they gave her was diapers even though she could go to the washroom herself. I was so disgusted, I said here are your diapers back, my mother can go to the washroom on her own. I became aware of so many control games! I saw a man crying out that he needed to go to the washroom, nobody came, he was left to sit in urine and feces, later I learned from one of the staff that this was one way to get people to behave, a control game. After that, I thought I am going to place my focus on changing this abuse! Nursing homes have become big business and the ones run by governments are deplorable and, we can change that. What a horrible time you went through, good to see you back home!
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I ALSO SAT IN URINE AND FECES FOR MORE THAN TWO HOURS – ONE DAY I RANG THE BELL FOR FOURTEEN AND HALF HOURS AND NO ONE CAME CONTORL GAMES WERE RAMPANT AND TERRIFYING – STRIPPING A PERSON OF THE WILL TO LIVE.
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I am sorry you had to live through that, so demeaning! When I brought my distress to a staff member, about the man crying out to go to the bathroom and being told, it is what we do to those who misbehave, they show them, it broke my heart I hear such inhumanity! Control games, imagine. I reported them which helped from doing nothing, that is not my way. As well, these places are so understaffed just bare bones, no excuses, they need to hire more people, staff are run off their feet or defeated believing, nothing is going to change. I found the whole thing run like a military camp, talk about authoritarian control, wow. We can change this.
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Thank you for writing about your story, Sara, and I am so glad you are healing, but what an experience you survived. No one should have to go through that to get the care they need. Just a couple of thoughts – besides a power of attorney, a long term care ombudsman (a program in every state providing advocates for nursing home patients) and an advance directive like a living will or naming a health care proxy to speak for you if you become incapacitated (different states have different laws about whether to use a living will or a health care proxy) can also be good advocates, but a power of attorney is definitely really important.
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THOSE ARE NOT ENOUGH – I HAD THEM – LIVING WILL AND ALL – MY LAWYER DID NOT INTERVENE -IN REALITY THERE ARE NO ADVOCATES FOR NURSING HOMES – BELIEVE ME I KNOW THE FAKE ONE THEY ASSIGNED ME AFTER I REFUSED ALL MEDS AND TOLD THEM I WAS LEAVING WAS JUST ONE MORE OF THEM
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Thank you for this. My Mother needed what they refer to as a “rehab facility” here. The same kind of place you were at. With my Father and I actively there and visiting it was not as bad as the experience you have shared. It was still bad. The experience revealed to me a great many failings of both the healthcare system in the US, and the gaps in our planning to address the needs of my parents in their last years. Much was similar to your experience. Much sloppiness from information sharing to housekeeping. Mom and Dad both got COVID while she was there. Her discharge got screwed up so we were charged for days she didn’t need to be there. Other complications developed from their neglect during her stay and after. The later due to the wrong medications being in her pill tray. It’s been a few months but I appreciate stumbling on your experience as I need to follow up with my complaints. Mom is fine now, after more than a little intervention on my part. For the sake of others and for myself I need to complain, directly and indirectly. When they are gone, there will be no one to advocate for me as your Vet did for you, and I did for my Mother. Thank you.
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YOU NEED TO FIND SOMEONE TO TRUST… BEGINNING NOW. IT IS NOT SAFE TO BE CAST OUT INTO A MONSTROUS HEALTH CAARE SYSTEM WITHOUT AN ADVOCATE AS I LEARNED. I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO DIE BEFORE THIS EXPERIENCE BUT THE HOPELESSNESS AND ABUSE WAS SO OVERWHELMING I ACTUALLY COULD FEEL MY LIFE SLIPPING AWAY. GARY, A DOCTOR OF COURSE SAW WHAT WAS HAPPENING AND INTERVENED. -I LITERALLY OWE THE MAN MY LIFE.
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I have my own POA in the works among other things. I honor your Gary, and will lift my gratitude for he and those who advocate for those who can’t to those I believe in. Such Samaritans do Divine work.
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so glad to hear this…. we need to spread the word – especially for aging women living alone… I learned yesterday that in addition to everything else I suffered eye damage from the abuse…. the gift that keeps on giving…
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Thank you for sharing your very moving story Sara. Thank goodness for Gary and your beautiful place to which you are so connected. I love how you walk between worlds and find your way through these deep experiences. It is truly inspiring. As you know my husband is in a hospital stroke rehab center, which I am pleased to say is not so terrible in our national health service. In the UK we pay compulsory contributions from earnings during our working lives so that medical treatment is then free, and after reading your story I feel blessed to have that system, even though our health service seems to have diminished a little since the trauma and expense of the COVID pandemic. However, I am vigilant during weekend visits and complain about any problems immediately due to staff shortages on Saturdays and Sundays. I am meeting with his medical team tomorrow to listen to what they have to say and give my input. I will also have a member of the Stroke Association to back me up and discuss the meeting with me at the end of it. Your experience and advice are really valuable, even though our medical system is different, so thank you for sharing it.
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THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS COMMENT. YOUR ATTENTION TO YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR WILLINGNESS TO STAND UP FOR HIM MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE… I AM GLAD THAT YOUR SYSTEM IS BETTER THAN OURS WHICH IS TRULY HORRENDOUS.
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You have been through such horror, Sara. From the very beginning of them filling you with so many drugs. I’m so glad you were finally able to refuse them, and for your good friend who was your advocate and caretaker. My dog is nearly always by my side, and we both were terribly distressed when we were separated for the first time last year when I ended up in the hospital last year. I’m so glad your dogs are home with you, and that they and the woods are helping to heal you.
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Oh yes – my dogs were as traumatized as I was initially – their screams will live in my bones until death – the drugs snapped our life long relationship – when they first laid eyes on me they just stared – four hungry eyes peering at a ghost. They believed I was dead. Just one more horror – if it had not been for my vet… well.
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