TOXIC POSITIVITY by Esther Nelson

Psychotherapist Whitney Goodman popularized the phrase “toxic positivity” on Instagram—the ideas of which she eventually gathered into a book with that same title (Penguin Random House LLC, 2022).  The term itself may be fairly new, however, being and staying positive “no matter what” goes way back.

Psychological exploration of the “concept of unrealistic optimism” goes back to at least 1980.  [The] “term toxic positivity first appeared in J. Halberstam’s 2011 The Queer Art of Failure, a work that poked ‘holes in the toxic positivity of contemporary life.’” (Wikipedia) 

Many of us remember Stuart Smalley on the TV show “Saturday Night Live” looking at himself in the mirror while giving himself positive, yet cringe-worthy, affirmations.

My yoga classes are full of vapid affirmations and arrogant advice.  “You are a beautiful person—inside and out.” “You are kind.” “You are caring.” “You love fiercely.”  “You can do ANYTHING you set your mind to.” Really?! Sappy shibboleths and saccharine-laced sayings don’t reach me, other than to make me uncomfortable and squirmy.

Goodman explains she’d been aware of toxic positivity for a long time.  It was in her home while growing up.  Today, it’s all over social media platforms, in religious services, our workplaces, and schools.  Some examples: “You’ll be fine,” Just smile,” “Time heals all wounds,” “Be grateful for what you’ve learned,” “It could be worse,” and “Everything happens for a reason.” In her book, Goodman refers to the work of Sara Ahmed, Audre Lorde, Barbara Ehrnreich, bell hooks (and others), all of whom have been critical of the pervasive and destructive nature of toxic positivity.

Goodman asserts: “Toxic positivity is the advice we might technically want to integrate but are incapable of synthesizing at the moment,” leaving us “feeling silenced, judged, and misunderstood.” Goodman gives a theoretical example.  You’ve just lost your job. You’re panicked.  How will you ever manage?  When you tell your friend, they smile and say, “At least you have all this time off now! It could be so much worse.  Think about how much you’re going to learn from this.”  Not helpful. What you need at this juncture is support and space to sort through things.  But yet, we keep on tossing out worn out, ineffective phrases to wounded people much like offering aspirin to a gunshot victim.  We may even feel righteous when those phrases don’t land well.  Perhaps we then vow not to cast our pearls before swine ever again.  But, we do!

Having a positive attitude (different from toxic positivity) does not mean seeing only the good in everything. Goodman states, “Healthy positivity means making space for both reality [I just lost my job!] and hope [I will take steps to find another.] Toxic positivity denies an emotion and forces us to suppress it.” 

In my religious upbringing, anything deemed negative was squelched.  I was often reminded of the Israelites, tired of eating manna every day and murmuring about it all in their 40-year sojourn through the wilderness after the first blush of freedom from slavery faded into obscurity.  No murmuring (read, negativity) allowed.  My religious community demanded robotic obedience and smiling faces—no matter what.

Goodman notes, “When people say they want to eliminate negativity, I find that they actually mean they just don’t want to struggle or be bothered with anything that makes them feel…uncomfortable.”

When I was in the second year of my RN nursing program, one of my classmates was assigned a fresh, post-op mastectomy patient.  My peer spoke to her about reconstructive surgery.  Although our nursing instructor encouraged my classmate’s approach, the surgeon (a female—unusual for the time) was incensed.  “You don’t bring up such negativity when she is so vulnerable.”  Breast reconstruction required acknowledging the loss of a body part.  The medical system at the time attempted to suppress anything negative, thinking that to be a kindness.  Thankfully, that’s changed, or is changing.

“Positive thinking is often a Band-Aid on a bullet wound.” It’s inappropriate.  It suppresses our emotions and blocks a healthy way forward.  “Good vibes only” is deadly, not just for our personal growth and safety, but the larger society suffers as well from pent-up stagnation.

We are under inordinate pressure to always be happy.  Find that “silver lining” in every cloud, put a positive spin on every happening, cut all negative people out of your life, live, laugh, and love.  Just be happy.  Happiness, a by-product, can flow (or not) from living a life of integrity—behaving honestly. Contentment (in my opinion) is a better word to describe the satisfied feeling of being a small, but integral, part of joining the ongoing dance of life.

Our society spends mega-dollars on self-improvement as a means towards achieving that elusive goal of perpetual happiness, believing happiness (whatever that looks like) will fulfill us. So many of us struggle day in and day out not realizing that we already have everything we need inside ourselves to experience wholeness.  Accessing ourselves, though, requires shutting out the din of toxic positivity that continually surrounds us.

Positive affirmations don’t make me feel good, nor do they spur me forward.  I have struggled (still do) with responding authentically to my experience of the world. The doctrine of original sin (there is no good in us) is a huge culprit in making us doubt the strength and wisdom of our own beautiful, messy humanity.  Men, though, even in religious communities where the doctrine of original sin abounds, are allowed autonomy, agency, and leadership denied to women.  Why?  “BEHIND every successful man is a good woman.”

The best thing we can do for one other is to “hold space,” giving us room to feel.  There’s no how-to manual.  We get to use our own unique abilities to propel our way through the rough and tumble of a chaotic universe.  The task itself isn’t the difficult part.  It’s the constant pressure we experience (often through toxic positivity phrases) to be actors in a play marinated in patriarchal juices.