The Mothers, the Goddess, Lost and Found, part 2 by Elizabeth Cunningham

Excerpts in two parts adapted from My Life as a Prayer: A Multifaith Memoir. Part 1 appeared yesterday. You can read it here.

The Goddess finds me

Between the birth of my son and the birth of my daughter, I had a second miscarriage. The signs that something was wrong were subtle at first. I drove myself to a doctor’s appointment, hoping to be reassured that everything was all right (though I already sensed it wasn’t). En route to the office, perhaps to distract myself, I pondered why it was that I had never written about the church, or Christianity. Then…

I turn onto the main street. I glance at an old clock tower, and there she is superimposed against it, huge, big as the sky, vast as the earth.

I hear her voice.

“You have been searching for me all your life.”

She speaks inside me, all around me.

“The wild mother, the witch in the wood.” [She shows me the stories I’ve written.] “You have been searching for me all your life.”

And now I had found her. Or she had found me. She was with me; she had been with me always. She was with me when the doctor could not find a heartbeat. She was with me later when I was sedated and wheeled into the OR for a second dilation and curettage. She was with me as I grieved. She had always been with me, and I would never again be without her.

When I recovered from my miscarriage, I went on a brief solitary pilgrimage to the sea. I spent a day walking the shores of Block Island, breathing the salty air, the woman-scent of low tide, listening to the rhythm of the waves, the same rhythm as labor contractions, the tides and women’s bodies, both responding to the pull of the moon. All life comes from the sea, and the Goddess is the mother of all living, all that dies, all that is reborn. All these mysteries, I knew in my own body. I needed no scripture, no teacher, no preacher. I was surrounded by the Goddess, and the Goddess was within me.

She spoke to me again that day, “You will have a daughter, and you will name her Marina.”

And I did. 

It is strange to think of now, but in 1985 I had never even touched a computer. I wrote two hand drafts of every manuscript and then typed with carbon paper, whiteout ready to hand, and often in tears when too many errors meant I had to retype a page. I could not google the Goddess. I knew a little about ancient goddesses, Greek, Roman, and Egyptian. But the Goddess that had come into my life was both vaster and more intimate than these.

I also knew some of the history of the church, the inquisition, the witch hunts, what happened to people like Joan of Arc, even if they were sainted later.  Despite my liberal Episcopal upbringing, where mention of hellfire was considered in poor taste, I knew that there was no room for any God but God, his only begotten son Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, who were all One. I knew that some Christian feminist theologians saw the Holy Spirit as the feminine aspect of God. And Holy Wisdom was called Sophia. But the Goddess who came to me did not strike me as one third of the Christian Trinity, nor could she be identified by only one virtue. So who was she? What did she want from me? If I embraced her, was I…damned?

I turned to CS Lewis for help, rereading That Hideous Strength, one of my favorites of his adult novels. Much of the plot turns on the awakening of the Arthurian magician Merlin. Merlin has been sleeping in a sacred wood one day to awaken. In the novel, both sides (the good and the evil) want to enlist Merlin. Which side will find him first?

For Merlin there is no question. Once wakened, he goes straight to Arthur Ransom, the latest Pendragon, to whom Merlin has sworn allegiance. He offers his magical pagan powers. But Ransom refuses them. The universe, Ransom explains to Merlin, is coming to a point, a moral point, sharper and sharper, narrower, more defined, with less and less room for ambiguity. In Merlin’s time it was possible, if questionable even then, to be a neutral agent. Now it is not. Everyone must choose. CS Lewis resolves this choice in the novel and in his life by saying that the pagan (the old gods and goddesses, the earth spirits he loves so much) must be baptized, refined, put into the service of (the one true) God.

But I did not want to baptize the Goddess, as if I could. And I did not want to choose….

Two years passed, maybe a little more. What do you want from my life, I kept asking the Goddess.

What do you want? she asked, silently, persistently.

What I always want. To write a story, of course, this time the story of the Goddess returning, coming to life in the lives of ordinary people, taking them by surprise, overwhelming them as she had me. And all at once, I knew I could do it; I knew I had to do it. In my mind’s eye, I saw Esther, a minister’s wife, sitting on the back steps of the rectory with her two young sons, playing with homemade playdough. 

From The Return of the Goddess:

“The shape was profoundly female: global breasts resting on thighs drawn up in a squat. Her feet were strong, broad, like the hands spread over her round belly. Her face merely suggested features, a pinch here, a hollow there….Who was this figure? Where had she come from?…How had her homemade playdough and her own fingers conspired to bring this figure into being?

‘It’s the Lady,’ Jonathan stated.

‘The Lady?’ Esther repeated.

‘And look,” pointed David. ‘Her belly is the world.’

Sudden, silent tears astonished Esther. They ran in streams on her cold cheeks. She put out her tongue and tasted them. “

Elizabeth Cunningham

BIO: Elizabeth Cunningham My Life is a Prayer: A Multifaith Memoir is Elizabeth Cunningham’s nonfiction debut. Best known for The Maeve Chronicles, featuring a Celtic Magdalen, Elizabeth is the author numerous other novels including The Return of the Goddess and The Wild Mother. She lives in the valley of the Mahicantuck (the river that flows both ways) on unceded land that was home to the Esopus Tribe of the Lenape. She is at work on a fairytale novel. For more visit her website: https://elizabethcunninghamwrites.com/

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Author: Elizabeth Cunningham

Author of The Maeve Chronicles, a series of award-winning novels featuring the feisty Celtic Magdalen who is no one's disciple. I am also interfaith minister and a counselor in private practice.

19 thoughts on “The Mothers, the Goddess, Lost and Found, part 2 by Elizabeth Cunningham”

  2. Thanks so much for this 2-part series on your encounter with and living out your life after meeting HER. Miss your presence on FAR. I especially found this poignant: ”What I always want. To write a story, of course, this time the story of the Goddess returning, coming to life in the lives of ordinary people, taking them by surprise, overwhelming them as she had me.” I think when that kind of encounter happens, one just “knows” as you did. Appreciate your writing.

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  3. Thank you so much, Esther. So much has happened since her appearance almost 40 years ago. (Good Goddess!) We’ve had many adventures together and continue to, the latest being a fairytale novel featuring four elemental grannies. I do keep up with FAR and always appreciate your posts. Warm regards!

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  4. Thanks for sharing your story. And the comments yesterday. I definitely want to read your books! I enjoy reading your writing and feel that it’s very healing.

    I think I’ve always felt Goddess since I was a child. That was pushed down by my dad. He was the superior preacher man. Also, like your dad an alcoholic. He quit drinking cold turkey when I was very young. He was still a rage-aholic.

    I signed up for sculpting class in 2018 to deal with emotional and physical pain. I went on a internet search about hand built sculptures and stopped in my tracks. I heard a voice say (Goddess) “Do not corrupt your process with other people’s work!”

    The teacher showed us very basic instruction and said “You’re 6 years old play with clay!” I knew immediately I wanted to sculpt a tree. A Chakra tree is what it morphed into. It looked like a dancing goddess. When I finished it people were coming around me in class asking questions and I was about to cry. I talked briefly with them so I could get out of there. Got in my car and started sobbing. I felt and energetic healing (Goddess).

    After that I would go on long mindful walks in nature before sculpting. After walking I meditated and did rituals before I would sculpt. More and more Goddess like figures were showing up. My back pain was helped by this process much more than the different therapies I tried. I was connecting to the Goddess. I was on an absolute high!

    Lately I’ve been struggling emotionally. I have not done this practice in 3 years. Last week in tears I prayed to The Goddess and sculpted a very powerful Bird Goddess coming out of a primordial cauldron. She’s sitting on my Altar right now.

    I am so grateful for FAR where I can connect with so many kind people. I’ve been reading hear since 2019. This is a loving, non-judgmental space. I believe that is Goddess.

    As you may guess I love the excerpt from “The Return of The Goddess” about the little girl sculpting the Goddess! Thank you Elizabeth.

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    1. Good morning, Michelle. Thank you for reading the excerpts today and yesterday. And thank you for sharing the story of how the Goddess found you, and how you find her again and again in different forms. How beautifully expressed that safe, nonjudgmental space is Goddess. I wish you joy of your ongoing journey with her, with yourself, and with community.

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      1. Agreed! FAR is a blessing. Thank you for your comments.

        I was struck by a picture of a Bird Goddess you shared. I could feel a very gentle loving energy when I saw it. I thought maybe it was you and Her communing.

        I felt the energy of Carol Christ when I read your comment “We need to believe the Goddess is real and present today just as she has been – not through research or logic but through feeling and sensing.”

        Blessed Be.

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        1. This goddess I sculpted as a test for another piece I finished – but others have it now – and so once again one of my first goddesses is downstairs waiting for me to begin again…I am deeply moved to hear that you heard Carol coming through my simple words – She was an extraordinary woman and when we write and share like this She Lives.

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  5. Pingback: The Mothers, the Goddess, Lost and Found, part 2 by Elizabeth Cunningham – Adventures of A Mage In Miami

  6. I hardly know what to say but it is absolutely clear to me that this book is a gift for all women NOW…WE desperately need help navigating the cultures we are living in. We need to believe the Goddess is real and present today just as she has been – not through research or logic but through feeling and sensing. We are all under fire as you know….you and i are both dreamers … there is overlap in our stories… for me the Goddess rose up out of a summer field enfolding me in her arms… “you are loved”, she said… I could go on here but the real point is this Gift you are offering us… my old eyes are bad so I am going to have to wait until this book comes out in kindle – I personally feel I need the Goddess more than ever before and my guess is that I am not alone. Thank you Elizabeth.

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    1. How beautiful that the Goddess rose up from a summer field with the sweetest, truest message. Thank you, Sara, so much for your words and your witness. Thinking of you reading My Life as a Prayer gives me joy. I just checked, and it is available on kindle. I wish it would also be on audible but that seems not to have happened yet. However you find it, enjoy. And thank you so much for reading and responding to these excerpts! Blessed Bess and other pollinators!

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