No One Is Safe from the Parodist (Part 4) by Barbara Ardinger

Now you can learn the secrets of the New Alchemy and make your life free from all outside government  interference! Tornado or hurricane in the neighborhood? Don’t call FEMA. Take care of it yourself! Finances unstable where you live? Listen to Old-Phashioned Phinancial Philosophers and print more money yourself!

D’alchimie nouvelle;

Or, The New Alchemy

Friends and bons amis, imagine facing the day free from pain and woe. Imagine living your life free from mendacity. Frater Romulus Augustulus (Reborn), Doctor of Philologorrhea, Founder of The Academy of Rhetorical Terpsichory, the World’s Greatest Expert and Author of the No. 1 Best-Seller, invites you to join him and other seekers of truth and freedom for a Weekend of Transition, Transcendence, and Trance Dancing. For a small monthly fee—just $33 a month for 72 months—you can mix and meet with others who claim libertarian liberty and complete independence. 

Just imagine it! See it now! You can learn the secrets of the New Alchemy and make your life free from all outside government interference! Tornado or hurricane in the neighborhood? Don’t call FEMA. Take care of it yourself! Finances unstable where you live? Listen to Old-Phashioned Phinancial Philosophers and print more money yourself! Plague or pandemic in town? Don’t call the AMA. Heal yourself. (And your family.) Terror attack or plane crash? Don’t call the TSA. Get out your gun and get those bad guys before they get you. Study the age-old secrets of the New Alchemy and learn what Do It Yourself really means. Become wholly independent by joining the Holy Independent Order (Reconstructed).

Can’t spare a weekend? Friend, you’re in luck. This month only, we have a special offer for you. For a payment of merely $29.95 plus shipping and handling, we’ll send you the seminar on six DVDs packaged in a plain brown wrapper (to protect you from that nosy postal service) and ready to pop into your secure DVD player. Watch these lessons and you’ll be on your way to claiming the Pure Gold Philosopher’s Stone. (And remember, with gold worth close to $2,000 an ounce these days, you can’t have too much gold. Don’t go to the gold guys on TV. Come to us!)

Yessiree, when you order your very own D’alchimie nouvelle seminar with a boxed set of six DVDs, here’s what you’ll get.

Lesson 1. The Chymical Marriage. Listen to Frater Romulus Augustulus’s world-famous lecture on the Alchemical Marriage. Listen to it again. As often as it takes. Learn how “the tie that binds” is really the Key To Complete Freedom. Participate in a real, live, group hieros gamos! Learn what treasures your precious bodily fluids really hold. Learn where to find dependable childcare.

Lesson 2. Tabula Smaragdina. First listen to the words of both Thoth and Hermes as they speak into our hidden microphones, then receive your very own copy of Frater Romulus Augustulus’s translation of the Emerald Tablet. “As above, so below”? What about the middle? Learn how to become a top dog. Learn how the bottom-feeders think and how you can swipe them away. Find out where the vanishing middle class has gone and what they’re doing down there. Let the Emerald Tablet guide you straight to the Emerald City.

Lesson 3. Solve et Coagula. Learn how to break down and dissolve whatever’s troubling you. Then learn how to build it back up the way you want it to be. Yes, learn sure-fire techniques of argument and conflict resolution. After you’ve learned Lesson 3, you’ll be able to coagulate anything that needs to be stopped from flowing, including the blood of your opponents. When you learn the principles of solve et coagula, you’ll be able to unscrew the inscrutable and screw it back together again.

Lesson 4. Prima Materia. What’s the matter? What happened first? Watch with your own eyes as the Ein Soph Aur hovers above the Tree of Life and trickles down into Kether. You’ll hear the Big Bang with your own ears! Then you can hop on the Sephira and create a new universe, one in which you’ll be in charge, one where you’ll have no interference.

Lesson 5. The Athanor, Furnace of Arcana. Find out what’s cookin’ in your independent universe when you put this self-generating furnace to work. And it’s easy to use! With just the flip of a lever, it becomes either a crock pot or a tanning bed. You’ll use the Athanor every day to perfect your physical body, though it’s also good to add proper nutrition (grow your own veggies!) and adequate exercise to your regime. With the lessons of the Athanor, you’ll learn for yourself that the fittest do the most surviving (and ain’t that the truth)! You’ll find all the hidden secrets in your own personal Athanor.

Lesson 6. Lapis Philosophorum, the Pure Gold Philosopher’s Stone. After you’ve used your Prima Materia to cook up your Lapis Philosophorum in your own personal Athanor, just like Frater Romulus Augustulus (Reborn), you will become your own Magnum Midas Opus and be able to turn everything you touch into gold. Friends, that’s both literally and metaphorically turning everything into gold. You’ll be richer than the richest billionaire, more beautiful than any supermodel, handsomer than any movie hero, more famous than any mere celebristar on TV or in the tabloids. The world will be yours. You will know what it truly means to Live Free and Do It Yourself.

Don’t wait! Begin today to transform the dross of your life into pure philosopher’s gold. To sign up, phone us at 1-800-ALCHEMY. Go to or www.don’ Like us on Facebook! Follow us on Twitter at Find or make the gold in your life. Make your life work the way you want it to. 

Categories: Fiction

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