The Elder Berry Woman, part 1 by Sara Wright

Moderator’s Note: FAR will be on hiatus for the month of January. We wish you all a very Happy New Year.

Before we head into our hiatus we are trying something a little different from what we usually do. For the next four days we will post a four-part serialized story from our long-time contributor Sara Wright. It is her personal wisdom story. Enjoy!

Preface:

I began this story 10 years ago, put it away unfinished, completed it 5 years ago just before Covid struck, and lost it. When did it suddenly surface? On the Eve of All Hallows. Three days ago.

 Because the story is autobiographical it deals with my personal issues. However, there are universal elements that people may identify with…  this tale attempts to deal with some of the questions and the problems associated with aging, fear of death, and dying. I would greatly appreciate feedback.

The Elder Berry Woman

 I turned 70 a month ago, crossing an invisible threshold. With this birthday I reluctantly entered the first year of my ‘elder’ years. “Red Birds” awakened me at dawn. The two cardinals spent the morning hours chirping and hopping around the grapevines outside my bedroom window. I felt deep gratitude for these feathered presences that seemed to understand that this birthday was charged with a heaviness I couldn’t diffuse. My intimate relationship with these birds has been predicated on grief. These cardinals were reaffirming that Nature responds to the longings of the hungry heart.

 I have reached the conclusion that aging is a subject that no one wants to touch in case it’s catching. We sprout platitudes. We pretend that age won’t rob us of our abilities or our autonomy. We “forge on” with military precision until we discover that even raking leaves can pull muscles, creating new inroads for pain like I did just last week. Others “soldier on” hiking or scaling mountains when feet, ankles, knees, and hips are starting to complain. Forced snow – shoveling strains back muscles sometimes to the breaking point, as does heavy garden work. In our culture this bull –like ego driven behavior is lauded while bodies weep. “Keep busy” pancaked women chime with false Barbie faces cracking under the strain of deadly smiles. “You’re only as old as you think.”

 I don’t want dishonest behavior to mark the third and final chapter of my story. The price that denial extracts is a forced separation of mind from body. Escaping into the world of technology, ideas, work, fun or other distractions while ignoring our bodies leaves them vulnerable to bear the burden of aging alone. After spending so much of my life ‘walking on air’ I want and need to be present for my body as we make our body/mind way into the future even though death is most certainly in the forecast.

 I suspect everyone crosses the threshold into “old age” at a different age – some do at retirement, but it was not that way for me because turning 65 seemed to be a time of ripening possibilities. I was hopeful then, brimming with plans and new ideas. For five years I hovered on that edge. I searched for a winter home. I made plans to write a book and created new intentions to heal broken family relationships. At 70 I am still circling the same issues.

Most disturbing is the fact that my depressive episodes are increasing in length if not severity. I don’t know if my depressed state is age appropriate because few talk about aging honestly. Is it my psychology that’s the problem or is there a relationship between depression and aging?

What I do know is that I am in the midst of a crisis of meaning. I feel invisible, powerless, enervated. I experience mindless fear; a great loneliness has attached itself to me. I guess it’s not surprising that I feel depressed.

This fall I harvested clusters of berries from my Elderberry bush and made a tincture. Elderberry is an ancient folk remedy that has antiviral properties, and I planned to use it during the winter to help me ward off colds and flu. I am especially attached to this bush, loving both the delicate pearl white flower umbrals and the deep purple berries. I am also fascinated by the name: “Elder –Berry”. I am desperately in need of help from some natural force wiser than myself and I wondered if it might be possible to contact the Spirit/Soul of this plant to help me.

After my birthday, I began a story about meeting up with a well – ripened old Berry Woman with this idea in mind. I imagined her as purple fruit – a tree with ripe plums, a patch of sweet blackberries, a heavy cluster of bruised grapes hanging outside my window, but most of all as a single purple berry.

One day after I started my story, I had a vision that materialized as I was meandering through the woods around my house during a writing break. Stunned by the sight of a purple berry hovering in a cloud of mist around the bark of a fragrant green balsam tree I froze. Elderberries are very small, but this one was a giant, the size of a very large grape. I thought I was imagining things until this purple Being greeted me with a strange remark.” I have been waiting for you, ”she said simply. She was real! Without preamble, I asked her directly: “Would you consider becoming my teacher? I don’t have anyone to instruct me on how to live now that I have entered ‘old’ age.”

Beseeching her with my eyes I slid down on a smooth black stone that buttressed one of my trees gazing up at her intently, waiting for an answer.

The lush purple berry rocked back and forth on a twig jiggling. I thought I could see something moving inside the translucent skin – a seed?

“It will be a pleasure” she replied. “I have been watching you for a long time. Do you remember the dream you had of the green vine snaking its way along the forest floor with its purple leaves and the single eye that was embedded in each leaf?” I nodded.

“I appeared to you as a creeping vine to demonstrate to you the importance of listening to the Earth through the roots of plants as well as their flowers and leaves. I was inviting you to learn to see through insight. By staying close to the forest floor you are in a position to seek guidance from below.”

Vaguely, I wondered about roots, dirt. The underground. I felt uneasy about that world below. Besides I was more focused on the extraordinary beauty of each living plant or tree that was visible above ground.

“That was you? But…”

“I can shapeshift at will. You have met me in many flower and tree guises throughout your life – why do you think you call yourself a ‘plant woman’? We have always had an intimate relationship.

I thought for a moment and realized that she was right; my love of plants/trees stretched back to my first experience with a sunflower that expanded and shrunk over my head. I was just a baby lying on my back in the summer sun, my feet tickling the grass.

“You remember me well!” She laughed, crinkling her shiny skin.

I almost blurted out that I was still questioning that what I was experiencing was real even though we were talking and I could see her, even after I harvested her berries… but didn’t finish the thought… That the Berry Woman was discussing a dream I had thirty years ago, a dream I never understood but knew was important, floored me, undermining the skeptic. The sunflower’s behavior was emblazoned in my psyche… I was having a conversation with a giant purple berry.

Someone in me was excited, buzzing around my body like a bee.

What I needed most was an open mind.

“Yes!” the Berry Woman chirped, in response to this thought, wrinkling her purple skin into the shape of a grin.

“Old Age scares me because I feel the loss of physical energy and worry that I won’t be able to take care of myself. I feel as if I am an ocean of regrets. I obsess about broken family relationships that I have no control of. I fear that aging will intensify what I already struggle with.” I finish quietly.

Words are pouring out of me like water.

Solemnly she nods. “You will have to deal with loss of physical energy, regrets, and for a while, the obsessive need to focus on what’s broken in your family relationships. Your depression must also be acknowledged. Illness too. These are facets of aging that affect all humans, although not equally. And they will probably intensify for you at least periodically. You are not alone here. I promise; you will learn that you can deal with these issues if you are willing to confront them with courage, honesty, and integrity.

“All I know is that I want my life back! I feel like it’s been overshadowed by Past and Future.”

The Berry Woman nodded, “I want to help you but in order to do that you have to trust me.”

parts 2, 3 and 4 to follow