Since I wrote “Claiming the Power to Choose to Our Lovers” and “Choosing to End Love” in the spring, my beloved and I came back together and parted again, not once, but twice. At the end of the summer, believing our separation to be final, I decided to drop a miniature copy of the Minoan bee pendant, symbol of my desire to “let go of a beautiful dream,” into a crevice in the Skoteino Cave while on the Goddess Pilgrimage to Crete.
I don’t believe in divine intervention, but something happened to stop me. The day before the ritual, the pendant disappeared. It was not in my jewelry case, not in my handbag, not anywhere in my suitcase or my hotel room: it was nowhere to be found. That same day I received a gift of a large jar of honey from a local shopkeeper. In the end, I dropped a sugar-coated almond into the crevice and poured every bit of the honey onto the altar of the cave, asking for transformation and love.
Two days later the group visited the mountain where my beloved has a beautiful stone-built restaurant. I planned to embrace him quickly and to continue walking up to the cave, thinking only positive thoughts about what was no more.
When we saw each other, whatever either of us had in mind simply melted away. “I still love you,” I stammered. My beloved breathed a very deep sigh of relief.
That evening I enjoyed a delicious meal by the sea with three of the other pilgrims. One of them is a shaman. “You deserve love and you will find it,” she stated. “Most of the time you radiate so much love that everyone is attracted to you. But,” she continued, “some of the time you put up barriers and push people away. It is your insecurity,” she explained,” you don’t believe you deserve the love that is coming to you.”
I feel asleep easily that night and woke an hour later. Looking at my hand, I saw that my mother’s diamond had disappeared from its setting. The diamond was not in the room or on the floor of the restaurant. Wracking my brain, I wondered: could it have fallen off into my handbag when I was searching for my wallet?
I overturned my handbag and out fell sunglasses, lipstick, nail file, coins, a small emerald cut diamond–and the bee pendant. The Goddess was telling me in no uncertain terms that the lost is found: I guess She had to make her point three times to get through to me.
In the next days I thought about the shaman’s words and began to realize that I bore some of the responsibility for the separations: my insecurity led me to set up expectations and make demands and then to feel disappointed and rejected. I decided there was nothing to be gained by discussing who was at fault.
Our reunion was full of love with no recriminations.
In the intervening weeks, my insecurities returned. Following the shaman’s instructions, I pursed my lips and blew them away. When I met my beloved again I was no longer projecting resistance.
The bee pendant has become one of three tiny amulets I wear on a gold chain: it nestles against a protective eye and an image of the tree of life.
*With thanks to Chloe Erdmann and to my Ariadne Sisters from the spring and fall Goddess tours in 2018 for their support and especially to Amanda Yates Garcia and Regina Wright for spiritual guidance. I also thank FAR sisters Joyce Zonana and Laura Shannon. “I get by with a little help from my friends” and I am grateful.
Carol P. Christ is an internationally known feminist writer, activist, and educator living in Crete. Carol’s recent book written with Judith Plaskow, Goddess and God in the World: Conversations in Embodied Theology, is on Amazon. A Serpentine Path: Mysteries of the Goddess is on sale for $9.99 on Amazon. Carol has been leading Goddess Pilgrimage to Crete for over twenty years: join her in Crete. Carol’s photo by Michael Honneger.
Listen to Carol’s a-mazing interview with Mary Hynes on CBC’s Tapestry recorded in conjunction with her keynote address to the Parilament of World’s Religions.