Religion: Trapped in Love Through Shame by Andreea Nica

Andreea Nica, pentecostalismI was first introduced to shame in the church. Shame paradoxically drew me closer to God, prevented me from committing sins, and helped me repress certain natural urges. The church I grew up in indoctrinated its congregation to believe that shame would transform us into true and wholehearted believers – that as carnal beings, we needed to feel both guilt and shame in order to be saved and transformed into spiritual entities.

One question that permeated my mind growing up, but I’d never dare to publicly ask:

Why would Jesus die for me when I never asked Him to?

This compelling question was prompted through my internal, often unconscious, frustration with the constructed view of shame in the church. Shame wasn’t a choice for believers, it was conditioned as a privilege – it was only through embracing shame that we became closer to the Lord.

That’s the funny thing about shame, it did bring me closer to this God I used to worship, but at the expense of my self-worth.

I have since left behind my shame, the church, and the religious community I was a part of years ago, or so I thought. I recently began listening to Brene Brown, a nationally renowned speaker on shame, vulnerability, courage, and worthiness. Her work was recommended to me by some colleagues who know many of the tantalizing details of my religious history. Her book, The Power of Vulnerability, was suggested to me on several occasions, but I always passed it up, expressing to myself and others I didn’t have a problem with being vulnerable, and that I NEVER felt shame. Not since my religious past anyway. At the time, I even viewed those who found her work inspiring as ‘weak.’

Shame is certainly a sneaky character. Just when you think you’ve rid yourself of it, there it is.

As Brown states in The Power of Vulnerability, shame fluctuates between: “You’re not good enough” and “Who do you think you are?” I would venture to say most people can relate to this.

During her TED talks on shame, Brown refers to shame as an “unspoken epidemic.” In the church, shame was very much promoted, but only as a concept that built a case for obeying the doctrine and belief system. Once I separated myself from the church, I naively thought shame left me as well. But as I began listening to the powerful message of how shame is only removed through talking about it, I knew I was in for an interesting journey to say the least.

Where do I begin talking about my shame and to whom? While it was easier to blame the church for enduring feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness, I realized these feelings also impact society as a whole, not just religious folk. Not that that made me feel any better, but it did provide a new perspective. You see, I did not want to talk about shame, because I wanted to believe I had moved past all the junk associated with my religious experiences. In truth, our culture breeds and encourages shame through non-disclosure, and it’s killing us ever so slowly.

When we feel shame, we repress, hide, and pretend it doesn’t exist. We will do anything and everything to mask shame, and that’s precisely what is debilitatingin  our culture. One of the primary ways we mask shame is through numbing. This was my method of choice after leaving the church long ago. It seemed easier to numb myself to shame, than to confront and deconstruct the slimy creature.

In terms of my religious experiences, I realized that being and feeling shamed with the aim to transcend was downright humiliating and damaging, but more importantly, I learned that shame cannot be removed by simply becoming numb to it. Coming to the distinction and near epiphany that shame operates in religious and secular spaces really encouraged me to confront my issues with shame.

So, how does this play out on a societal level? How do we work to remove this social and cultural epidemic?

Brown states, “Cultural change is a million subversive acts of resistance.”

Given that society has been embedded in shame culture, we must consciously resist ignoring shame. When we ignore, we actually give in to the darkness of shame. That means, rather than pretending it’s not there, we must practice self-compassion, emotional openness, and courage to combat our pre-wiring of shame.

This form of resilience begins to free us from feelings associated with shame–such as unworthiness, solitude, powerlessness, and numbing. Society and culture changes when individuals change. As with any epidemic, a widespread resistance is necessary. Throughout my journey to confronting shame in ways I never imagined, I was drawn closer to my spiritual self and surroundings.

Brown defines spirituality, “as a deeply held belief that we’re inextricably connected to each other by something greater than us.”

In the church I grew up in, spirituality was measured by how shameful we felt in relation to others in the community. In the secular realm, others’ lack of “visible shame” prevented me from connecting with them in a genuine and compassionate way.

Now that I strive to consciously confront shame and address it at its root, I can say that I have never felt so gloriously connected to humanity and nature. While I respect Brown’s definition of spirituality, I would modify the “something greater.”

I believe that we’re all inextricably connected to one another by a humanity that chooses to transcend shame. To me, nothing is greater, or more profound than this.

Andreea Nica is a freelance writer, scholar, egalitarian, and yogi. She holds a M.S. from the London School of Economics and Political Science in Gender, Media, and Culture Studies. Andreea also holds a B.A. in Psychology from Northern Arizona University. Currently, she is writing her memoir on transitioning from Pentecostalism, focusing on institutional power, subjectivities, and socialization. She is the Founder of OrganiCommunications, empowering startups and social enterprises in strategic and digital communication ventures. She is the author of 2 blogs: OrganiCommunications and Progressive Thinking. You can find her in Seattle, WA. with her partner and kitty, probably doing yoga.@convergingearth  @integratedcom

Categories: Abuse of Power, Belief, Christianity, Church Doctrine, Community, Earth-based spirituality, Ethics, General, God, Healing, Jesus, Spiritual Journey, Spirituality, Women in the Church, Women's Spirituality

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17 replies

  1. There’s a difference between shame and conscience. Conscience is straight-forward, it doesn’t put us down, and at the same time is can help us avoid some mistakes from the start.


  2. Thank you so much for your brave and thought-provoking post and kudos to you for bringing shame out into the open!


  3. In addition to her TED Talk, Brene Brown gave a very thought-provoking interview with Krista Tippet for On Being on shame & vulnerability. I found it very moving and furthers the discussion on the role of shame in our lives.


  4. Somehow your post reminded me of Starhawk’s chant:
    “Where there’s fear there is power.
    Passion is the healer.
    Desire cracks open the gate.
    When you’re ready, it will take you through.”

    I guess I was reminded of this, because you were finally ready and willing to look at how shame still made a home in your psyche. And your passion for Brené Brown’s work is palpable here (I love it, too). Thanks, Andreaa!


  5. Thank you Andreea. Just what I need at this time.


    • I’m glad it struck a chord with you Barbara. Positive energies your way!


      • I don’t know if “speaking out” is a result of less shame, or if it is grace moving one to lessen shame! Maybe it’s an integration of the two. The other day I was in a coffee shop enjoying a visit with a friend. She asked questions about my past that we hadn’t talked much about before except superficially. I found myself telling about my stepfather’s sexual abuse, but what was more hurtful, my mother blaming me for seducing him. She carried that blame til her death and I carried the shame a very long time. My friend became very angry! She said she would have thrown him out right away. It’s healing to have someone show anger in your defense even while understanding that it was the early 1950’s in the USA and there weren’t a lot of resources. I wonder how forgiveness also heals shame like this, or is the energy for healing.


      • Barbara – thanks for your bravery in sharing your story with us. When we talk about shame, the shame within or around us, it breaks down barriers and welcomes healing. As you mentioned with sharing your story with your friend, her deep-seated empathy, while rooted in feelings of injustice, still conveyed a level of understanding. Personally, I believe eliminating shame is a multi-process choice in that we need others’ support and empathy, but ultimately, it comes down to forgiving those who have wronged us, promoting an activist spirit (if one finds empowerment through this), and rediscovering your self-worth.

        It’s obviously more complex than this, and each individual has their own process, but for me, acknowledging my anger and taking the time to deconstruct it (towards the church and my faith system), allowed me to put things into perspective. But I also had to acknowledge that while I had anger, I made the choice to work on healing myself through knowledge, difficult introspection, and social support.

        Thank you again for sharing your experiences and for your courageous spirit.


  6. Reblogged this on Fakhra's Musings and commented:
    On #shame and #self-worth


  7. Is there any difference between shame and remorse?


    • Great question.

      Shame is typically an attack on our inherent self-worth. Shame also tends to lead to other negative reactions such as blame, damaging self-perception, and a barrier to improvement.

      Remorse lends a helping hand, finds compassion, and is motivated to improve.

      Both have an underlying level of pain/hurt, but it manifests very differently.


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