I suppose I should be ashamed to admit this, but I once worked as a freelance copywriter for a multi-level marketing company. (Okay—I needed the money. It was a job.) I wrote the following piece one day when I was supposed to be writing real advertising copy. They were not amused. A few years later, when I was writing Finding New Goddesses (ECW Press, 2003), I pulled it out of my three-ring binder, renamed it Dr. Lucre’s Whoopee Pack, and Found (i.e., made up) Panglossolalia, the Found Goddess of Infomercials. Today, if we want to be politically correct, we recycle and reuse, so here we go again. I’ve changed the names in this infomercial and brought it up to date. When November comes, be sure to vote for the candidate of your choice.
Dr. Mittens’s Whoopee Pack
Good evening, friends, and welcome to my secret garden. I’m your friendly political commentator. I’m so glad you could visit me tonight as we take a short break from biased documentaries and endless negative commercials. Friends, tonight’s movie, Attack of the Jobless Economist, will begin in a minute. But first, this.
My dear friends, tonight I would like to talk to you about a product of vital importance to everyone who’s been on the campaign bus so long they have no idea where they are anymore. A product of vital importance to everyone who’s been bombed by so many political commercials their flat screens and iPads are about to melt. Let me introduce you to Dr. Mittens’s Whoopee Pack, the all-natural supplement for men and women approaching the Age of Anxiety.
Friends, you know you live in the fast lane. You know you have to be supercharged to keep up. You can’t let life pass you by. You have to make a profit and earn your bonuses. Friends, it’s not too late to grab your share!
Dr. Mittens, aloe farmer, corporate rescuer, free-fall enthusiast, and the world’s greatest authority, wants to share his secrets for a more highly satisfying life than you’ve ever known before. Let me tell you a secret. There’s no need for those expensive blue pills or those contiguous bathtubs or even those idle shadows when you’ve got Dr. Mittens’s Whoopee Pack.
Try these supplements daily and see if you don’t get a charge. See if you don’t Feel Up and In Charge.
First—Highly Potent Multi-Mega-Vita-Vege-Chela-Enzy-Chlora-Mino-Min. No “mini” here, friends. No, indeed. This is the Maxi-Mega-Multi-Vita-Mineral you need to start your day—and your heart and your lungs, kidneys, and digestive system. And it keeps them going all day long! It contains every beneficial ingredient ever discovered, invented, synthesized, or genetically engineered by man. Multi-Mega-Vita-Vege-Chela-Enzy-Chlora-Mino-Min is safe and non-toxic. And it has no boring side effects!
Second—Capital Stimulator, formulated especially for you from the smoothest old devil-may-care goat glands not already in use. Capital Stimulator gets you up every day. Add Capital Stimulator to your morning beverage, and you’ll glow all day. It’s guaranteed to make your life more interesting…and your social life much more adventuresome.
Third—Super-Turbo-Charged Protein Drink. This is the most powerful formulation yet released on the planet. Take just one tiny ounce and you’ll start your own internal nuclear fusion reaction. Our Super-Turbo-Charged Protein Drink gives you more power, more energy, more force, and a bigger aura than you ever dreamed possible. You’ll be absolutely unstoppable. You’ll really get things done. Friends, when you drink Dr. Mittens’s Super-Turbo-Charged Protein Drink, you’ll make a genuine difference in the world.
And fourth—Magic Incorporator. Everyone has days when they feel flat, listless, and papery. We all need to feel like people again. Take just one Magic Incorporator capsule with your afternoon beverage and see all the documents on your desk turn into real people and stand up and head for the boardroom. Enjoy the powerful feelings. Enjoy the show. Know that now you, too, have a following. You’re the head of the pack and the cream of the crop! You’re the one who gets the job done!
Yes, it’s Dr. Mittens’s Whoopee Pack—formulated from the world’s purest ingredients for the world’s purest person. You.
Friends, Dr. Mittens’s Whoopee Pack is available only from the Forced Life Genetic Engineering and Erector Set Company, headquartered in Boston, Massachusetts. To sample Dr. Mittens’s Whoopee Pack and our other rare and wonderful products, all you have to do is open your phone right now. Just dial 1-800-WHOOPEE. Yes, that’s right. Simply dial 1-800-WHOOPEE. You can also find us online at www.whoopee.for.mittens.com, download our Frontal Power app, find us on Facebook at facebook.com/profile.whoopeemittens?id=123456789,or tweet to us at #mittens.whoops.
Friends, when you use Dr. Mittens’s Whoopee Pack, you will find yourself in the best of all possible conservative and/or moderate worlds. Everything will be paid for and you’ll have the power you want.
My friends, I’m so glad we could get together for this little visit. And now, let’s sit back and enjoy the movie.