If I Were an Octopus by Marie Cartier

You say you want the truth, and I want to give it to you—I mean you asked for it and I want to give it you. I mean—I do want to tell the truth but— 
to be honest I’m not sure I want to be the person that truth belongs to – but I want to tell the truth 

So- ok. 
To be honest. You know, transparent– I am out of candles.
Totally – even tea lights, never mind seven-day candles 
I am out. In all colors: red, pink, blue, orange, even white. And I have no intention of getting any more.  
Done with candles.
I am also out of quilt squares, and quilt materials and thread— and I – well, I am just out of anything to do with sewing, quilting. And nope- not getting any more. Done. 

And I’m out of– to think about it—ribbons also out in all colors- red, pink, blue, green, purple, white. I’m out 
No more ribbons. I’m not getting any more- nope. Done. 
No more candles, no more quilt squares, no more ribbons
And while we are at it 
I ditched the last of the poster board 
And my markers are gone—used up, dried up, borrowed, gone 
The poles and the staple guns- gone, borrowed left in the street, gone 

So—I don’t have that stuff anymore. 
Not getting anymore of it. No room anymore for any of that. 
Was that what you meant? 

Empathy—yes, or no? 

*** 

I got a tattoo that said RISE that can only be read when I put my fist in the air. 
Sure- yes, I can still put my fist in the air 
I mean yes, if you’re asking of course, I still got  
Plenty of shoes   

I mean, you know I walk my dog every night for an hour. 
 I still got walking shoes 
I still got one foot in front of the other 

But…you know…I can’t get so…i mean the truth is 
I still got to get up 
You know, teach… I’ve got 240 students…240 students I got to give homework to 
Never mind grade and never mind 
I mean just never mind 
Never. Mind. 

I got so much. So much –no matter what else is out there I still got 
I still got shit to do… all the things …shower, eat, be in a family 
Walk the dog
And who does it serve if I don’t? who does it serve if I am so guilty of 
Being alive
I don’t walk the dog who knows nothing of what’s going on
I mean, you know…the unforgettable …the unforgiveable  
News…even Rachel can’t make it palatable. And I’m a human and I have to eat.
News…even Rachel can’t make it palatable. And I’m a human and I have to eat. And I 
Don’t know 
I mean empathy –yes or no? 

I want to shut all the doors to my heart I want to shut all the four valves 
If I was an octopus, I would have three hearts and I would have already gone through one completely wore out and if I was an octopus, I could just let my extra heart beat in time with atrocity and I would have still have an extra heart to live with 

But I’m not the tin woodsman without a heart and we all know he had one anyway  
I’m human and my heart? I want to lock all four valves because I want to keep going 
I’m not an octopus. And I bet they may be worn out, too- climate change, micro plastics…
come on. 

This shit does not stop for any of us. 
And selfishly? I guess I want keep going 
I want to keep walking my dog
I want to keep one foot in front of the other  
I want –breathe in– breathe out 

We shall overcome 
We shall not be moved
Shall we? 

I hear Anne Frank whisper people are really good at heart and if she could say that from the attic 
If she could… 

My tattoo itches upside down and I know 
I know that arm …maybe might…  
I know that as Judy Grahn said women are like bread, they will rise 
That first is gonna fold, fingers to palm 

*** 

Empathy– yes or no? 
I am out of candles. I am out of quilts. I am out of ribbons. I told you. 
I told you…but, yes, I know. 
But 
We shall not be moved.
Breathe in. breathe out.  

As long as I have breath, I can sing, said a former lover of mine.
I can shout …I can sing… I will glorify your name 
And your name has always been for me, the word, “us” 
God. Your name has always been, for me, us
Us here –shoulder to shoulder 

I’m out of candles but I mean… I don’t really sing, but I have before. I still can sing.  
I still have breath.
I still can sing 
I can shout   

*** 

I just – give me a minute– I lost my voice for a second 
I lost my voice.
So– just give me a minute 

–Marie Cartier 
October 30, 2023 

With thanks to Queerwise performance group QUEERWISE as we think about being grateful …and being in a world torn apart …and being in a world where we want life and we want connection and we want peace… and we want children to live, all children