Reflections on Betrayal by Sara Wright

Recently I read an essay on FAR about how Ruth Ginsberg’s Jewish roots influenced her life in a positive way. When her mother died, she was excluded from mourning because she was a woman.

This important exclusion a fundamental form of woman betrayal left an impression and sent a powerful message that inspired and influenced Ginsberg’s life and career  – she did not count – she had no voice – she had no authority to speak. (Paraphrased from FAR). We all know how influential this woman became and how she modeled staying with the process to the end of her life.

 Ginsberg is one powerful example of a woman who used her betrayal experience to make powerful changes in her life – a true heroine (why do we call women ‘heroes’ today?) This story reflects my belief that it is critically important to acknowledge our religious roots because these myths do affect us regardless of whether we adhere to them or not.

  For Christians, Palm Sunday marks the beginning of holy week – a week that ended in betrayal and the tragic death of someone who was a mystic, healer,  a man who created loving space for women and was supported by them during his life and after his death. The saddest part of this story for me is that this was a man who cared about women and the earth. Not a patriarchal man. I see the resurrection as a natural occurrence because the soul  stays present for a time after death for those who are closest to that person.

With that much said I confess that ‘celebrating ‘a week of  impending betrayal leaves me with a heaviness I can’t shake. Grief rises unbidden as this story unfolds each spring and I experience relief when it is over. Why? Is it because I have Christian roots that I am thrown into the past, re- experiencing betrayals that changed the course of my life? I don’t know. But today I can acknowledge that all ended up opening doors that might otherwise  have stayed closed.

 What have I learned? In retrospect what was and continues to be most important is my ability to stay with my feelings honestly. Allowing myself to experience the full range of my emotions eventually frees me from their hold on me.  If the betrayal was/is life- changing feelings of despair, self or/ other hatred, a need for revenge etc. can be overwhelming and this is where addictions can sneak in. Self hatred seems to be especially prevalent among women who blame themselves as I certainly did. Coming to terms with betrayal may take years but  going through the door will eventually bring release.

The other good news is that we cycle through our feelings and even when we think we can’t stand pain another second, some natural force – I call it Grace – will step in to bring relief.

Some of the worst betrayals must be integrated without understanding.  This is where I have become stuck because I want and need to make sense out of what has happened.

Betrayals usually have two sides and it’s important whenever possible to root out what that other side might be. If there are two and often there are, owning one’s 50 percent allows us to forgive and relativize harm done. I’ll use the Jesus story as an example. Jesus was a radical who refused to embrace the status quo and there are always consequences for those that reject the dominant culture.

I am writing about personal betrayal for three reasons. The first is to help me  externalize old grief even as I unwillingly revisit the past this week. Nothing is black or white so each time I come around the circle I gain new perspective.  As an elder I often share pieces of my story with young women. Betrayals that lead to forgiveness as mine eventually did may also help the next generation to live more compassionately.  This is also a time when I own the betrayals I enacted upon others, with or without intention. All actions have consequences.

 These days I make sure to link my story to what’s happening to the rest of nature. I am always writing about trees and women, birds and women, animals and women, because what is happening in nature is happening to us.  Femocide and Ecocide are intimately related.

  I also ask how betrayal contributes to the present crises we are facing. What do we need to own that we have resisted knowing?